


my smile is extinct

by neil_is_satan



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Coran is stuck in the middle, F/F, F/M, I live Allura, I'm Sorry, If Shiro didn't go missing, Keith and Romelle bff's, Keith's dad is named Calum, Keith's mullet was snatched, Keith's wolf is named Yorak, Keith's wolf will appear, Lance was a douchebag, Lots of Angst, M/M, Military AU, Multi, Nyma will be a pain in the ass later, PTSD mentions, Pidge and Kroila know stuff, Romelle is a god, Slow Burn, Suicidal Mentions, Suicidal thoughts and tendencies, even more angst, she had to be the bad guy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-06-21 12:01:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15557277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neil_is_satan/pseuds/neil_is_satan
Summary: Military AU/ If Shiro hadn't gone missing“Keith?,” Lance's voice snapped him out of his trance,” Talk to me, please.”Talk. What more was there too say, people had warned him of Lance. So many had told him that he was a Playboy moving from person to person as he found the next new thing, Keith was naive he had dismissed them simply labeling them as jealous, now he sees that they were right. He knew Lance was capable of many things he was confident and strong but he never thought he would do this.“What do you want me to say Lance?” Laces eyes shooting up to meet Keith's, both on the verge of completely breaking down.





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> From the title it's obvious that this was written out of inspiration of the Klance animatic, My Smile is Extinct by Lsellva on YouTube.

Life is funny. It has a weird way of leading you on making you feel that it's worth living a while and as soon as you feel that you've reached your peak it cuts you of. People always tell you how life will eventually get better and how all your hardships will seem worth it in the end, but they never warn you about how hard the fall will be.

 

Keith slide was near perfect, he had graduated as top of his class, had led various successful missions and was soon to be promoted. But all of that was nothing compared to the pride and happiness he felt when he had the privilege of calling Lance McClain his.

 

Keith had felt it before, but in all honesty who hadn't? Coming from the place that he had come from and seeing the things he had he didn't think anything could break him more than he already was, sand ok because Shiro had guilted him into going to his party.

 

He knew it wasn't all Shiro's fault, in all honesty he was happy for him, after all the party was to celebrate his engagement. Shiro and Adam had been dating precious to the Kerberos mission, and they had broken up when Shiro took up the mission. ItI was two years long and thankfully nothing had gone offline upon returning Shiro retired and Adam proposed, everything was supposed to be perfect. But it wasn't.

 

Now, now he was on the couch of their shared apartment trying his hardest not to break apart cause he promised himself long ago that no one would call him weak ever again. He remembered when they got this old and worn coach, it was a gift from Señora Rosa, Lance's mom, he remembered her saying, “I know it's a bit old but you can always replace it, if anything it might be good luck some of my best memories are tied to this couch.”

 

Well that was two things that she had gotten wrong, despite the couch's age and near uncomfortable state they never got around to replacing it, and while Rosa might've had good memories right now Keith was having the worst conversation of his life. Who would've thought that things would turn out this way?

 

“Keith?,” Lance's voice snapped him out of his trance,” Talk to me, please.”

 

Talk. What more was there too say, people had warned him of Lance. So many had told him that he was a Playboy moving from person to person as he found the next new thing, Keith was naive he had dismissed them simply labeling them as jealous, and unknowing, they didn't know Lance like he did, he wouldn't do that to him, now he sees that they were right. He knew Lance was capable of many things he was confident and strong but he never thought he would do this.

 

“What do you want me to say Lance?” Laces eyes shooting up to meet Keith's, both on the verge of completely breaking down.

 

It was true though, no matter how hard it hurt him, what else could either of them say? He knew that their we're only two options; either he forgives him but never trusts him again and continues in an unhealthy and fragmented relationship or he dido the right thing, becomes the bigger man and ends this suffering once and for all. As you know, Keith was always impulsive.

 

“Lance.” Keith spoke as firmly as he could manage.

 

“Keith I'm sorry, I swear it won't-” Lance started rambling before Keith cut him of.

 

“Lance just listen and listen carefully,” Keith took a minute or two evening out his breathing and willing himself to look Lance in the eyes,” I can't do this. We can't be together anymore, I just can't.”

 

The floor never looked this interesting, he remembered fighting with Lance over getting a carpet to cover up the worn wooden floors. He wanted a plain nude like carpet, Lance wanted a black one, said that the dirt would be less noticeable. In the end they never got one, Keith couldn't even remember why, maybe it was just cause they were never bold enough to do it, bold enough to go against what the other wanted.

 

Both of them said nothing, continuing in silence, Keith already having said what needed to be said and Lance still not fully comprehending what had been said. Still none of them moved Keith still stayed on the couch eyes glued to the floor and Lance stayed on his knees, eyes trying to catch Keith's, his left hand still holding onto Keith's, neither attempted to let go.

 

A single tear snaps him back to reality, quickly he brings his hands to run through his hair. He was serious, did Lance know that? Did he not believe him? If he was honest he couldn't blame him, through all these years everything he did he did it for him. He thought his motorcycle was to dangerous so he stored it and bought a car, he kept persisting about the mullet so he cut it. He did everything and it still wasn't enough to please him; he wasn't enough to please him.

 

“You know back in our early Garrison days how everyone used to say that I was a robot that I was unbreakable? They were wrong, God if they could see how pathetic I am right now.” Keith said his voice cold and twisted chuckling towards the end remembering his peers's unrealistic adoration.

 

“Keith if anyone's pathetic it's me I'm the one that cheated, I'm the one begging. Just please one more chance is all I need, please.” He didn't have to look at Lance he could hear it, how broken how sad it all sounded, but he didn't seem this broken when he walked in on him with her. Why should he care, right?

 

Saying nothing he stood up and headed up stairs, relieved to hear no footsteps behind him. He started packing, it didn't take long he wasn't going to take much. Where he was going he wasn't going to need much. Whatever he did leave either Lance would throw out or Shiro would pick up.

 

Shiro. That was another person he had conveniently decided to stop thinking about, but in all honesty it was just because he didn't know what to say. If he told him what happened it would just sour his engagement and make everyone choose sides and despite how hurt he was he didn't want the group to shame Lance. If he didn't say anything and just claimed to break up with Lance for some secret mission everyone would push buttons till the truth came out, once again inducing all hell to break loose.

 

If he could call _him._ If he did he could drop Keith of the map, he would be able to forget and to start all over, but was it worth to forget everyone and everything that had happened these past years? He had been nothing but a burden Shiro forced him to be with Lance because they had most of the same classes back in the Garrison, Pidge and Hunk we're forced by Lance. He wasn't stupid though Pidge occasionally threw dirty looks and if Keith as much as raised his voice he would flinch. He didn't belong with these people, the only ones who had never treated him differently had been Shay and Allura. Shay was a sweetheart always listening and always providing support.

 

And Allura, well he waswa foolffir trusting Allura. She wasn't who he thought she was. If the question was asked maybe three months ago he would've said she was the brains of the group the “mom friend”, but now he thinks that the only reason she was so amiable with him was too get close to Lance, and congrats to her she got what she wanted. He was leaving and they could be together, without him in the way.

 

A meow forced him to look at the door, standing their head tilted as if also confused by what was going on was Red. Through all this he had forgotten about their cat, well it was more his than anything he found her and raised her, meowing for hours like a mad woman when he was gone but he knew he couldn't take her.

 

“Hey girl,” he said leaning down to scratch her, his voice still a bit hoarse from keeping it all in,”Don't worry they'll take care of you.”

 

Looking under the bed he's surprised to see that the little compartment he had asked Pidge to build him was still there. It was a small little wooden thing, not more than 5 by 5 and only three inches tall. Dislocating it from the corner of the bed where it was lodged he smiled at the three items in there: a picture, a necklace, and a little slip of paper with a name and address.

 

The picture was the first one Lance had taken of them after he had been gifted his Polaroid, it was during their trip to Cuba to visit Lance's family. He was nervous of visiting from what he had heard Lance's family was big and close knit but upon greeting la Señora Rosa he felt something that he almost never felt, he felt at home surrounded by by cousins, aunts, and brothers it felt nice.

 

The second was a gold necklace with his promise ring dangling through. Lance had given him the promise ring two years ago on their anniversary. The ring itself was simple but gorgeous, composed of a simple white gold band with a sweetheart morganite. Keith being too paranoid to wear it and risk losing it or having it being stolen bought the necklace and attached the ring to it.

 

And the last item, that one was bittersweet, since his early years Keith had always wanted to join the army, follow his father's footsteps. Joining the Garrison he was put into the Special Operative Faction, specializing in military and special undercover government work. During his first year in the SOF he clearly outshone all his peers but after meeting Lance he couldn't will himself to leave so he dropped out into the Aviation Fighter Class. Before he left Colonel Kolivan approached him, gave him the typical “If you leave you'll be wasting your talent”, but once he saw his speech was having little to nothing affect he took a slip of paper wrote down his name and number.

 

_“Look kid I'm not saying you need to and you might never even reach for this. Hell, you might just throw it away as soon as you leave this room, but you ever change your mind give me a call I'll put you on the fast road. I've seen what you can do, your better than half the men i've had to work with. Think about it and by the year I'll have you made into a specialist.”_

 

With that he put back the photo and necklace into the box and lodged it back under the bed. From the top of the stairs he analyzed the whole room until he finally saw that Lance was in the kitchen, thankfully it was the room farthest away from the front door. Quickly and silently he slipped out the house he didn't bother taking his keys he doubted he'd ever come back.

 

The rest of that week passed in a blur.

 

Walking to the storage, getting his bike, driving all the way back to his hometown and trusting his bike with his mom and making her promise to not tell anyone that he'd been there.

 

“I get that you're mad at Lance, and with good reason, but don't you think that by doing this you'll be hurting everyone else. How about Pidge and Hunk? Shay? And how about Shiro, huh? You know that boy loves you more than his life.” Kroila finished saying itit fu of pity and anger.

 

She understood why her son was doing what he was doing, but if it was only Lance he'd be hurting it'd be fine, but it wasn't. It would be his friends, it would be Shiro someone who basically raised him someone who she knew he honored and respected.

 

“It's better this way mom, I was always the burden of the group. This isn't the only the reason I'm doing this, this just kind of pushed me to the edge and I've always wanted to do this, for dad.”

 

“Don't ever call yourself a burden, you know you're not, they'd never even dare think of you like that. Besided you know I'll do it regardless if I agree or not just be careful okay?”

 

“I will. Bye Mom"

 

One kiss and hug goodbye and he was of.

 

Four years pass and as promised Kolivan kept his word and after a quick placement test he was immediately placed as a Specialist in the Undercover Operations Department, everything was going fine until he was discharged.

 

Four years of peace, of clarity and he just had to be discharged. It didn't matter he had managed to avoid everyone during his breaks, only coming back for a week or two to visit his mom and then going back to work.

 

His discharge was messy it was a combination of things but the one that really pushed him of the edge was his PTSD. For a long time he had tried ignoring it pushing it to the back of his mind to be forgotten with everything, but by doing that he had made it worse. At least that's what the psychologist said.

 

Now he was back home he could clear his mind for a year, relax with his mom, and get a regular job. If he went to his therapy and showed significant improvement he would be able to go back into the field by next May, all he needed to do was lay low.

 

Seeing anyone from his past was so unlikely, especially Lance, that would be impossible, it should be impossible, right?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Time off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here you go sinceramente season 7 didn't treat us as good as I thought, might as well throw a chapter out there.  
> Klance meeting? sooner than you think
> 
> Guys but honestly what was season 7, I mean I didn't hate it but it was just so average and alot of things were forced

He was stationed in Afghanistan for the majority of his years in service. He loved it meeting the people, learning their stories and realizing how much so many of them had given up their family and land to fight so that their children wouldn't have to. It was beautiful yet heartbreaking, during his time he became close with one Afghani in particular a seventeen years old by the name of Abdul Malik.

 

Abdul was young but by no means was he weak, Keith could tell from day one the way that he analyzed things so carefully as if to map every possible alternative incase something went wrong; the way that he refused to leave anyone behind, various times resulting in running towards open fire for someone; the way that he never talked openly about his family but everyone new that he had them by the way he took care of his necklace. Holding it close to his heart and giving a silent prayer before each and every mission.

 

For once he finally understood what Shiro felt.

 

He had no connection to Abdul, not by blood, not by race, not even by religion but he knew that he had to help him, and he did. He wasn't going to lie, the first two attempts were complete failures, he couldn't find a way of talking to him and not getting immediately shut down. The opportunity arises when they attacked the main base in Herat, he got caught in the fire and was sure he was going to die. During this time Abdul told him everything, what had happened in his hometown,what had happened to his family, and how much it meant that at least he had tried. After that they were inseparable.

 

He was going to miss them, not only Abdul but his whole squadron. He never had a family, his father dying at age five and only finding his mother a few years back he had considered this his family each injury was felt throughout the team, when the did call home the others would join in, some of the privates and lieutenants kids had even started calling them uncles. Throughout the squadron they all acted like brothers pestering one another, supporting everyone, and just caring.

 

This isn't to say that he didn't appreciate everything Shiro and his family had done for him, he was beyond thankful with the Shirogane family. But that's what twenty hours of plane riding does to you, you start overthinking and saying things you don't mean. His past life is not something Keith liked talking about, if he was honest he had started forgetting naturally. He either recalled names or faces never both, guess that was just a side effect.

 

The only person he could recall without error was Shay, ad not because of a secret undying love but because out of everyone she had managed to find him. How? She never specified all she said was that it took her a soul and a half to pin him down, logically she had tried dragging him back to New York and naturally he resisted. After a serious, and long, series of late night talks and a very big and very serious emotional outburst she finally conceded to keep him under wraps.

 

_“What about Hunk?” He had asked right before she had crossed the security line to board her plane back home, her back noticeably stiffened._

 

_“You can't put your relationship on the line for me, I know how much you and Hunk value honesty if he found out nothing good would happen.” Keith continued, Hunk and Shay were the perfect couple, everyone knew it. He didn't know how he would bare with himself if the reason the broke up was because of a promise he had forced Shay to make._

 

_It had taken years for Hunk to gain the courage to ask her out,years, even though it was so painfully obvious. Just because his romantic life was in turmoil it didn't mean Shay had to risk hers like this._

 

_“I know what you're thinking, I know you're blaming yourself, but listen to me Keith; if I didn't want to hold up my end of the promise I wouldn't have. I'm doing this because me and Hunk have different opinion on the situation, he sided with Lance said that what he did was wrong but that he apologized and that was enough for a second chance. Obviously I don't agree with that and neither does Pidge, if that makes you feel any better.” Shay said with one of her typical motherly smiles, as she picked up her bags and walked to her gate._

 

_And although he should be smiling, although he should be glad that someone was at least on his side, he just couldn't. In overall there were two things that worried him. The first being that throughout the whole week that she was here, she hadn't mentioned either Shiro or Adam at all. And the second was that he couldnt manage to remember who Pidge was._

 

_It should have been a sign._

 

“Sir is this the right location?”

 

He looks up too catch the taxi drivers eyes, he wonders how long the poor guy had waited for him to get out, he didn't only look annoyed but also worried.

 

“Yeah this is the place.” Quickly as if to not irritate the driver anymore he quickly gave the driver a bill and excited the cab as quick as he possibly could.

 

_Yeah this is the place._

 

The same old two bedroom shack that he still sometimes wishes he had never left, that he had stayed in town and picked up a job as a mechanic or so, but he knew that would not last. It wasn't only that he couldn't tolerate being in the same place for long periods of times but he'd rather not spend the rest of his life in such a ghost town. Everything seemed exactly how it did when he left, same abandoned looking building in very much needed state if serious repair. But still it was home, this shack was more than a building, in more ways than one he saw it as his lifeboat.

 

It was his home, but besides that it was the last remaining piece of his father, yeah it was beat up, and not in the best condition but he still remembered when his dad had bought it. How proud he was, telling him that they were going to start over that now they could be a family, and Keith wanted that more than anything in his life. But you don't always get what you want, his dad had promised he would be back, “It's just one more month to finish of the year and then I can finally retire, think of it buddy one more month and then we can finally rest.” Out of all the missions that could've killed him it had to be the one that he had promised to survive.

 

After the death of his dad, Calum Kogane, it was a game of jumping from one foster home into another; sometimes he'd stay in a house for a couple months and think he'd stay just to be pulled out and thrown into another. And then everything happened and now he's here and that's all that matters, _it's better this way, they're better of this way._

 

“Mom?” He says temptivly after a few knocks, soon after his mom is in front of him demanding a hug and to be told all of his very heroic war stories as she so kindly puts it.

 

“I'll tell you whatever you want mom but we need to drop my stuff of into my room and then we need to go get some fancy stuff to wear tomorrow.” Keith said still looking at his mom with a surprised expression. By no means does Keith mean that she's not affectionate, she is, but she doesn't show it as expressly as most other people do.

 

“Whose wedding is it?” Kroila asked from Keith's room as he started looking for the car keys while at the same time trying to make a sandwich.

 

“It's Ismael’s, remember he's my 2IC.” He said with a grin, Keith was not a man for favorites but he would be a liar if he said that Ismael's daughter, Iris, wasn't his favourite “adopted” niece. She was a beautiful and charismatic fifteen year old and he had been dying to finally meet her in person. Thank God she got all of mother's looks and Ismas charisma it was a joke in the squadron, mostly just to tease Ismael, but it was true. He was sure that she was going to be a heartbreaker. The only thing that did make him wary of attending the wedding was how close it was to his old house, when he had been told that it was going to be in New York he didn't worry much he had known from his early days that Isma lived their but when he gave him the invitation and realized that it was three miles away from his old home, in the same venue that Shiro and Adam planned to-

 

“Okay let's go.” Kroila said as she took out the keys from her pocket and headed out the door.

 

For the first five minutes in the car it's all pretty calm, Kroila on the wheel, music playing in the background, and Keith tapping along to a vaguely familiar song.

They change a few words mostly about when he can get his motorcycle back and then he notices a change in tone in her voice.

 

“Mom, what's wrong?”

 

“Nothing I'm fine.”

 

“It's obviously not nothing we were talking fine and then you just got sort of sad. Just say it.”

 

“You know me and your dad wasted a lot of time, we liked each other and we knew it, but we never tried to make it anything more. Then when we did finally get together and I had you I coward out, I was afraid of growing attached of becoming dependant so I left and now that I wish Calum was here he's gone and no matter how much I say I regret it I won't ever have him back.” She let out a shaky exhale and continued.

 

“I was a coward, a stupid one at that but what I'm trying to say is that I don't want you to do the same mistake I did. I have eyes Keith if only you could see everytime you would talk about him you'd light up, you'd glow, you looked so happy. I'm not justifying what he did but talk atleast get closure. I know that your friend's wedding is a short distance from where you used to live, why not drop by?”

 

He had contemplated it, going back one day and just seeing what had happened with everyone. Did Hunk ever propose to Shay? Did Pidge finally complete her decoding software? How beautiful was Adam and Shiro's wedding? Did Lance finally replace him?

 

“I don't miss him.” That was all Keith could manage to croak out, worried of his mother seeing the tears barely being held back. He didn't like cry, after his father's funeral he couldn't bring himself to cry anymore. The only times he had cried had all been relating to Lance and that made him mad and confused. He hated that he missed him, after what had happened and all the time apart he should have forgotten, well he did, what he could remember was a bit spotchy especially without a picture for reference. He remembered Shiro and Adam due to a picture he had taped to the inside of his helmet, Shay always kept him updated with Hunk and Pidge, but Lance never. He burned all the pictures he had of him right before he had packed up and left, he didn't need emotions like those to drag him down, he tried so hard to forget now all he had was a name and a few faded memories.

 

That was another one if his worries, what if he did agree to go? Lance could have moved along time ago and then what would he do? Not much, Keith didn't remember his face at all, he seems to recall tan skin and coloured eyes but that's about it. A million people could fit that description, even if he was to stand right in front of him he wouldn't be able to recognize him.

 He was pathetic, in all honesty he was. He was weak, and pitiful and despite Keith telling himself he never stopped wondering about what happened after he left. He never stopped coming up with scenarios of what would have transpired if he hadn't ran away. 

 

They would have moved to that two story house that Lance had had his eye on, they would have had a house warming party and they would be happy. He would wake up early in the morning and go prepare breakfast until Lance would walk downstairs in one of his ridiculous bath robes and his morning face mask on. 

 

They would be happy.

 

But that's the keyword _would_ because now, now he's just here both knowing and cursing that he would eventually forget and that was the gospel truth.

 

“Who do you think you're fooling? Cause you're not fooling me and I doubt you are even slightly convincing yourself. I never said you had to, I would never pressure you into doing something. But I am encouraging it, but don't be mistaken, that doesn't mean I expect you to get back together. If you do or don't that's your choice and I'll support you no matter what, okay?”Kroila said placing her hand on top of Keith's and giving it a small squeeze.

 

And they continued, just like that.

 

He knew he couldn't go back, all his life he had planned out he had thought of every possible outcome and every possible outcome, but he could never had prepared enough for this. Now, now what? He couldn't go back, he wouldn't, it was a risk a very big one. Going back would meaning explaining, it would mean them knowing, it would mean having to face everything he had avoided. Why would he go back? To stay a year or two or who knows how long and then just being forced to leave. They deserved better.

 

He was scared for next week he was a very impulsive person and he didn't want to do anything that he would regret later. He could already imagine going seeing everyone and then cowarding out, and running away again, hurting them just like last time. But if he was gonna hurt anyone he preferred it to be himself, he wasn't going to put them through that again. One week and then everything would be normal.

 

One more week.

 

One

 

More

 

Week

 

_Remember that they deserve better._

  
  
  



	3. I Don't Know You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used is New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down by LCD System
> 
> You are introduced to Iris and Romelle, more on them later

Finally they were here.

 

The trip from Texas to New York had been hectic, but he knew that it would all be worth it. Out of all the mess Keith probably hated the talks the most. For the last week his mother had given him very long, very late night talks, all as you could've guessed, about what he had chosen to do about the whole Lance situation.

 

“Uncle Keith?!” Before his mind could even register what had happened he found himself on the ground.

 

He should've known that contemplating his life choices in middle of the banquet hall was not a good idea.

 

“Uncle I missed you, dad wouldn't let me call or text you, said that it would add a more magical effect for when we actually met, whatever that means anyway.”

 

“Iris?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Oh God Iris, oh God it's you, oh Lord you are so much taller than I thought you would be. And wow I mean Isma isn't exactly known for his great ideas.” Keith said trying to stifle a chuckle. 

 

The wedding ceremony itself had been beautiful, the plan was to get their early and catch up with all the squad guys but their flight had been delayed and him and Kroila had barely made it to the church in time. The second item on his agenda was meeting his niece but after the ceremony everything got pretty hectic and he couldn't spot her, seems like he didn't need to Iris had that covered.

 

“Is it true that you are going to stay with us for a week?!”

 

_ God damn it Isma. _

 

Now don't get the wrong idea, he loved Isma and his family but he had clearly told him that he would not be staying. A few days before they had left to New York to 10th party you called him told him that he understood that he loved his mom and spending time with her was everything but he also needed his own time and that if you would like to stay with them for a week or so.

 

_ “No.” He had said firmly as to clearly get his point across. Keith hadn't meant it to sound so cold and stale but he knew that if he didn't over exaggerate his emotions Isma would press non stop. _

 

_ “Keith, c'mon you didn't even take a few moments to think it over as sharp as an arrow you just shut it down. Think of it man, Iris loves you and so does Romelle, you know what they say if your wife is set on something there's no going back. If I don't manage to get you to stay she will.” Isma said in his casual “you know I'm right”, he could practically hear the smugness of his voice across the phone, knowing that he was right, yet Keith resisted. _

 

_ “Look Isma it's really nice that you invited me but I want to spend as much time as I can with my mom. Besides if I stay with you it'll just mean that you'll have to set back your wedding and then I'd just feel like a burden. Go out and enjoy, you guys don't need me there.” _

 

_ “After all these years you would've thought that a stubborn old cowboy would learn. Keith when have I ever told you were a burden, when has Romelle ever told you, or Iris? And if you don't believe me I'll hand over the phone to either one of the girls so that they can get it through your thick skull that we all appreciate you and that if we are inviting you to stay in our home it's because we want you here.” _

 

_ “Look if it'll keep you calm, and it'll help me avoid a scolding I'll think about it but I make no promises so don't go telling the girls and getting them excited, I wouldn't want to see them disappointed.” Keith said, he knew that there was no winning Isma unless he conceded a bit. _

 

_ “Now that's what I like to hear, and I promise I won't, or at least I'll try not to.” _

 

That fucking liar.

 

Well he can't say he blamed them, in all honesty he should have known that they were going to try anything to make him stay and he should have known that they were going to use Iris against him. 

 

“Uncle?” Iris said, breaking out of his train of thought.  _ Damn it.  _ How was he supposed to say no now?

 

“Yeah, me and your dad talked about it a while ago, but I'm only staying for a week or so.” Keith said already imagining twenty different ways of making Isma pay.

 

After that the wedding was pretty calm, he had mostly wandered around dripping by a few tables and say hi to a few familiar faces in the sea of people before him. Never had he felt so alone.

 

It wasn't that he didn't love Isma or Romelle, if anything he'd say Romelle was the closest thing he ever had to a sister. Yes she was pushy and eager but she knew when to stand down and give him his space. Isma and the rest of the guys were his brothers they were strong and protective but they would never let him fall into that dark part of his mind, but still, despite being surrounded by so much love he felt alone.

 

Deep down he felt like a burden, correction, he knew he was a burden. He was the loner, the outcast, the one who had to be invited into the conversation or else he'd just blend into the walls. The only thing keeping him tied was the fact that everyone already had open eyes, but his were closed, closed but safe.

 

His mom was another person who he couldn't seem to form a solid idea around. He hated her, hated her for leaving, for running, for popping into his life right when he had grown past her; once he didn't need her. Where was she when he was just a scared little 6 year old jumping from house to house because nobody wanted a “broken one”. But at the same time he loved her loved her; for coming back; for admitting her mistake; for never trying to push him into reciprocating her feelings, he loved her for understanding.

 

He loved Shay, for standing by him and for respecting his decision. But once again he felt like a burden, a burden to her relationship with Hunk. Everyone who knew Hunk and Shay knew that honesty was the foundation of their relationship, and now Keith had ruined it. Keith had looked at the situation up and down, had analyzed and analyzed and he came to the conclusion that there was no possible way for the truth to stay hidden without Shay having to lie at one point.

 

He waited a couple of minutes by the balcony door and as soon as he felt everyone was looking away he slipped out. He never wanted to admit it but he really did miss New York; New York just had that type of motivating and captivating atmosphere, that at least for him, kept him going. Despite all the negativity that was tied down to this place New York was something he had never wanted to let go of.

 

Not only was the atmosphere something to write home about but the view, the landscape everything was beautiful. Everywhere you look there was something breathtaking it didn't have to be the skyscrapers or the Big Apple because everything held beauty either orthodox or unconventional it all was worth something. It reminded him of the good days, back in senior year of high school he had formed a band with Pidge, Hunk, and Shiro, he remembers that their first ever song was one he wrote about New York.

 

_ New York, I love you _

 

_ But you're bringing me down _

 

_ Like a rat in a cage _

_  
_ _ Pulling minimum wage _

_  
_ _ New york, I love you _

_  
_ _ But you're bringing me down _

_  
_ _ New york, you're safer _

_  
_ _ And you're wasting my time _

 

Who would have thought that the song that he had made so many years ago would become so relevant now?

 

He suddenly felt overwhelmed, he knew that deep down it was his fault, so many years of suppressing and forgetting, and now he just had brought it all back. It was 2 a.m. Isma and Romelle would understand if he left, and he would just text his mother that he would be at the hotel.

 

He quickly tried opening the balcony door only to hear a thump and a few moans and groans from behind the door.

 

“Are you okay?” He said, offering his hand to the guy that he accidentally had pushed down.

He couldn't see the man's face completely, he had yet to take his hand, but he was wearing a nice blue suit that complemented his skin tone.

 

“Yeah I'm fine, thanks dude Im-”  _ what? _

 

Keith was no stranger to staring, either from just the way he looks or due to his uniform, take my word he was no stranger but this was different. He seemed to be searching for something, the man's expression shifting from happy to confused and then to desperate. But Keith didn't know anything now fully seeing his face he'd admit that the guy was pretty handsome, if anything he was Keith's type, blue eyes, tan, and a bit shorter than him, but he felt nothing.

 

And for some reason that made him sad for the other guy, who genuinely seemed disappointed. Keith could see it, the desperateness that the other guy held as he kept on trying to search for something that wasn't there, something that he still failed to realize, to acknowledge, that it was gone.

 

“Keith?”  _ And there it was. _

 

And for once Keith didn't want to say anything, he didn't want to tell the guy of, or comfort him or anything, all he wanted to do was disappear because he heard it. Behind the confusion and anger he heard the happiness that the man was failing at masking, but why? Why would he be happy to see him, if he was truly important he wouldn't have forgotten him, would he?

 

“I'm sorry.” 

 

“What?” He said his voice slightly cracking, his smile slightly falling but before he could even realize it he was chirping up again,”Im sorry, have you told anyone, that your back I mean, I know they'd be happy to see you.” And Keith saw them, the tears, the happiness that they symbolized and he saw the guys arms open, about to pull him into a hug and he knew that he had to stop it, before it went to far.

 

“I said I'm sorry,” Keith said as he took a step back and gently pushed the guys arms back to his side,” I don't know you, I'm sorry for the confusion, I mean with lights down and everything I get how you could've gotten confused.”

_ Damn it, he really wasn't a good sugar coater. _

 

“What? It's me, it's Lance.” Lance now said scaringly calm, looking at him once again as if trying to find a slight hint of recognition.

 

_ Lance? It's a coincidence it had to be, right? I mean what are the odds, plus Romelle and Isma had never mentioned a Lance, they knew all about Keith's past, well they knew all the past he could recall. It was a coincidence, a coincidence and just that. _

 

He had wasted enough time, he had to get out of here.

 

And with that he left, pushing through the crowd while ignoring Lance's desperate calls for him to stop. He remembers a Lance, from his old life, he doesn't remember his face, his attitude, hell he doesn't even remember his last name. All he does know is that that name is tied down to a memory, one of his worst and that he has no desire to associate with anyone with that name.

 

He knew that coming to New York was a bad idea, and now he was one hundred percent sure that he wasn't going to go get any closure with Lance. He had enough closure in his life who cares if he just left one loose end.

 

**To Gossip Queen(Romelle):**

_ Hey it's late and I didn't want to distract you from the party so I'm heading back to the hotel, by the way I need to talk to you tomorrow one about using Iris against me and the other one is about Lance. Congratulations, enjoy yourself. _

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I missed Friday's update I'm sorry but school just started up again and it's been taking a toll on me. But never fear updates are just gonna be a day or two later.


	4. Our Troubles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am so sorry, like dear lord so much shit piled on me and I'm barely getting everything under control but the wait is over here is a chapter and updates will now be on Sundays. Dear lord kill me, I just preferred to put out a actual chapter then a bunch of half assed ones so once again sorry. Also if anyone is taking AP Physics how the fuck are you still alive cause I'm dying. There is some Spanish in the chapter but never fear I'm trilingual and translated it. Enjoy!

“You don't get it Hunk” Lance said for what seemed to be the one hundredth time. The night of Mel's wedding he could've sworn he saw him, he'd be willing to bet his life on it, unfortunately no one seemed to believe him. 

 

“I do get it.”

 

“Oh really, what am I saying then?” He said his hands on his hips, glaring at his friend from across the table.

 

“You're saying that Keith, the guy you loved but cheated on with his brothers best friend, who then proceeded to run away to who knows we're magically appeared at Romelle's wedding. But not only did you see him, but you engaged in a conversation in which he denied even knowing you.”

 

“Exactly!”

 

“Okay now what am I saying?” Hunk said with an annoyed but knowing expression. This was exactly something Hunk would do, flip the tables on him like this, the audacity.

 

“Well…”  _ Really, that's all I come up with? How innovative Lance. _

 

“What I'm saying is that the possibility of you seeing him are slim to nothing, especially considering the fact that no one, not even Shiro, knows we're he is. The possibility of you seeing him at Romelle's wedding, someone who he has never met may I add, already cuts down your already slim chances.”

 

He knew Hunk was right, Lance really wasn't known for his intellectuality, but part of him couldn't come to accept it. He had spend so much time, so much money, hours on hours to find him, and now that he thinks he did, the idea of it all being an illusion pains him.

 

No pain could compare to what he felt the day Keith left, he would've stopped him, he would've thrown a book or something at him to at least make him stay and yell at him a bit longer, but Lance didn't know any better.

 

He didn't see him leave, all he heard was the front door close but even then he didn't think Keith was leaving. Well he did know that he was leaving but he never fully comprehended it, he never truly understood that once Keith had crossed the door he was gone. He had always been impulsive, maybe to a fault, but he understood.

 

Their fight ended up ruining everyone's life's.

 

After that their group separated into two, one which believed Keith was right in having left and the other which believed Keith was being over dramatic. He hated it.

 

He knew he was wrong, he knew that what he did was wrong no matter how drunk he was what he did was unforgivable no matter what excuse he might place.

 

Some people didn't understand that.

 

Hunk, Allura, Nyma, Plaxum sided with Lance, claiming that their were easier ways to end things without going on his whole crusade.

 

Shiro, Adam, Shay, Pidge, Rover said that while they wish they had had a heads up Keith was a grown man who could choose to do whatever he pleased especially when it came to a situation like this.

 

There was some people in the middle who didn't choose sides and everyone knew better than to bring that topic up. Romelle, Coran, and Acxa were a few that if questioned would either get up and leave or give you a warning that'd make sure you never opened your mouth again.

 

Hunk and Shay were another pair who never spoke about the situation even though everyone knew which side they were on. That's probably why they never spoke of it, everyone knew that the whole situation had caused a rift in their relationship and both of them were trying to just make it work, but the tension was always there.

 

That was only one of the things that Lance had managed to fuck up.

 

The thing that caused everyone the most pain was Shiro's and Adam's wedding. Keith was supposed to be Shiro's best man, and without him Shiro slowly started crumbling, no best man and a broken fiancee forced Adam to cancel the wedding.

 

That was probably the thing the hurt the group the most. Shiro and Adam had been high school sweethearts, they were the epitome of a happy couple. And add Keith into the equation and they were the perfect family. Shiro and Adam cared for Keith deeply and when he disappeared it hit them both extremely hard but the thing was Adam could keep it together or at least pretend he could, Shiro couldn't.

 

It hit everyone hard to see Shiro become frail, weak, vulnerable. He was the only one who knew everything about Keith's past and one could only imagine the things that ran through his head. Now Shiro was a rare sighting, Adam still went out and about but the bags under his eyes symbolized what pain he and Shiro were going through behind closed doors.

 

That was only Keith's side of the family Lance's was a whole other mess. Lance's family was bigger which meant that there was more people disappointed in him, only his Tio Julio was proud of him, but that was because Julio was a player and man known to sleep around. Which made the situation all that worse, growing up he hated his Tio Julio for all the pain he caused his Tia Márgara and his cousins, and he was happy when she finally divorced that cheating skank. But now the tables are turned and he became the cheating skank, he was a hypocrite.

 

Lance pride himself of being many things, he never thought being a hypocrite would be one of them.

 

Don't even get him started on his Mom, even now after so many years his mother refuses to hug or kiss him, sure she talks to him but she doesn't even greet him.

 

He didn't even tell her, his sister Sophia couldn't keep her mouth shut and ended up spilling it out one day over dinner, man he would never forget the phone call he got that night.

 

“ _ Hola ma” _

 

_ “?Dónde está mi niño Keith,? quiero hablar con el.” _

 

_ “Ah pues no está aquí en la casa ahorita ma, talves te llamo luego.” _

 

_ “Mentiroso, ya me dijo Sophia la pendejez que has hecho.” _

 

_ “Mamá..” _

 

_ “Mama que!?Menos mal que se fue, al menos fue lo suficientemente inteligente como para no quedarse con un tramposo. Ay mi hijo, ¿porque tuvistes que ir y ahuyentarlo? él fue bueno contigo, fue bueno con la familia y eliges asustarlo. de todos los chicos y chicas que has traído a casa eliges engañar al que realmente te amaba.” _

 

**_(English Translation:_ **

 

_ “Hey Mom” _

 

_ “Where is my baby Keith, I want to talk to him.” _

 

_ “Oh well he isn't at the house right now, maybe I'll call you later.” _

 

_ “Liar, Sophia already told me what you did.” _

 

_ “Mom…” _

 

_ “ Mom nothing! Good thing he left, at least he was smart enough not to stay with a cheater, why did you have to go and chase him away? He was good to you, he was good to the family and you choose to scare him. Out of all the boys and girls you have brought home, you choose to cheat on the one who really did love you.”) _

 

Lance thought of that conversation often, because no matter which way he saw it his mom was right, he had brought so many bad people home and he never did anything, but he decides to cheat on the one that treated him right, the one that respected him.

 

“Hunk, I don't even care about getting back together with him, I don't deserve him, but I just want the chance to tell him I'm sorry.”

 

“I know you do buddy, but the chances of you getting to as I said are very slim so why not try finding peace with yourself without him? You deserve to go out and enjoy yourself as well, okay?” Hunk said placing his hand on Lance's shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.

 

“Thanks Hunk, and I will or at least I'll try cause believe it or not I'm tired of feeling like this as well.” And he was, Lance was never a pessimist he hated self pitying himself and he really just wanted all of it to stop one way or another.

 

There was a time when he really spiralled out of control. It started pretty innocent, going out to pubs and clubs getting a bit wasted and maybe he would take someone home. Then it started becoming more frequent, more constant every night a new person and everyone morning another hangover, and then he became numb.

 

Nothing pleased him, nothing hurt him, nothing made him happy. It was all the same.

 

And then he found something that made him feel alive, every line was an emotion, every injection was a memory everything in the room was happiness. But the moment he got of his cloud his body clammed up his mind started forgetting, he could feel his blood slowing down and his heart start pouncing trying to rip it's way out of his ribcage.

 

And slowly he became more and more dependant.

 

Every day it was a line or an injection all to feel like he had control all to feel human again, all to be something that he could try being proud of.

 

What hurt more was that no one noticed.

 

No one saw the bags under his eyes, no one noticed his change in behaviour, the way that he started suffocating his body with oversized pants and sweaters, no one noticed.

 

He can't help but wonder if maybe someone did notice and they just didn't say anything.

 

And it went on, no one noticed it  spoke up, not until he met Romelle.

 

Romelle only knew him for one week and she had already found out what his “friends” couldn't see in eight months. Romelle literally saved him, it wasn't like he had much of a choice anyway, saying no to Romelle was a death wish.

 

She helped him get back on his feet and sure it was a rough beginning he can't even imagine what Romelle had to witness when he was going through all his withdrawal symptoms but he was grateful. But she didn't stop there, she offered him a place in her house so that he didn't have to go back home and face the memories alone, and Romelle being the overachiever that she is even managed to find him a job.

 

Who could blame her, she was a bit older than Lance not to mention that she had a daughter herself, her maternal instincts were bound to kick in.

 

Romelle was honestly one of his idols, she had a kid at eighteen but she didn't let that stop her from continuing her education. She didn't only manage to get accepted into Harvard but she completed her four years towards a business bachelor's degree. And now she isn't only married with the man she loves and taking care of her kid, but she's also the owner of one of the most popular restaurant s in all of New York.

 

“Honestly I wish I could stay longer but Shay finally has a day off and she would kill both of us if we just spent it laying on the couch. So get ready, go shower, and do whatever you do to your face and hair cause she texted me a while ago that she has plans for today.” Hunk said way to happy.

 

“But Hunk it's Sunday, Sunday's are meant to be spent laying on the couch, eating super unhealthy food, and watching super bad alien documentaries.” Lance whined while flopping onto his couch face down.

 

To be honest that really was how he planned to spend his day, he had seen a new alien documentary on Netflix that he needed to tackle down. Not to mention all the snacks that were just teasing him from his cabinet.

 

“Well good luck trying to convince her, Lance hurry up or should I remind you of the Colour Guard incident?” Hunk said with a smirk, that sly bastard.

 

We don't mention those words in this God damned household.

 

“No, nope I'm up. You see I'm walking to the restroom. You demon.” He said as he rushed to the bathroom as he heard Hunk’s laughter echo behind him.

 

If he was honest with himself he was a bit scared Shay was known for pushing people in both the wrong and right way. Who knows what she has planned.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry don't kill me, actually nevermind kill me before school does.
> 
> So like I said in the beginning season 7 made me depressed, I went to Mexico for a while and reception sucked, school has been roasting but now we're all ready and my shits in order so lets-a go!


	5. New York is always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you thought I was gonna make them reunite cause of Shay, you've been fooled I ain't stereotypical like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an update hooray, this was a pretty difficult chapter to write just cause certain things in this chapter will carry on into other and some stuff I need to make super subtle but enjoy my lil chips.

“Well congratulations, I hope you two are proud that you managed to manipulate me into staying for two more weeks, you savages.” Keith said with both hands on hips as his suitcase stood right beside him.

 

“Thank you, and I'll have you know that we are extremely proud of this, I can't believe I didn't think of using Iris against you before. We were naive, we didn't understand how powerful our daughter really was until now, now we can use her to her full potential.” Romelle said, her eyes shining with something that Keith was afraid of finding out.

 

Now don't get Keith wrong, he loves Romelle she's sweet and attentive and knows when and where the line is crossed. But on the other hand Romelle is one evil, but badass, son of a bitch. The things she's done, the things that Keith had heard from Isma, it makes his Navy days seem like a walk through the park.

 

“I'm going to tell her that your using her.” _Let's see how this goes._

 

“You fool, she'd never believe you, I'm her mother she'll always choose me over anyone else.” Romelle said as she slowly started making her way towards Keith, although her posture made her seem dangerous her smile was clear giveaway of her childish intentions.

 

Keith waits, times Romelle's movements with perfect prediction, he starts sweating, it has to be right. If he didn't time this exactly right she'd win and she'd be cocky and superior for the two weeks that he was to stay here. _3 2 1 got you._

 

“You seem to be forgetting one thing”, he says, as he is basically face to face with the other woman a flash of confusion crosses across her face quickly,” She'd believe anything from her Uncle Keith.”

 

A wave of understanding settled on her face and she knew, _that damn bastard really played me._

 

“IRIS!” Keith yelled the loudest that he had ever. As he heard his nieces footsteps grow closer as she moved towards the stairs all he could do was smile cheekily at Mel, and she thought he was the fool.

 

“Keith I swear to Bill Nyes underwear that if you say anything I will lock you in the house and force you to only eat molasses.” Mel said sternly, but despite her voice sounding strong her eyes were full of fear.

 

He loved his niece, she was not only smart and capable, but she was wise and open-minded; Iris had a way of seeing everyone's perspective but still staying true to her beliefs. But despite all this he knew one thing, Iris was just like Romelle, two bad ass woman who weren't afraid of getting revenge.

 

_I guess I'll be merciful this once, I still need Romelle, can't have her dying to soon._

 

He'd just have to throw Mel under the bus another day, what a pity, imagine the headlines.

 

“Fine” he said as Mel let out a sigh of relief,” But don't think this means you're safe, this maybe your house but I've got power don't forget it.” He finished trying his hardest to stopping himself from breaking out into laughter.

 

The only thing Iris saw and heard as she got to the living room was her mom and uncle doubled over on the ground laughing with tears in their eyes.

 

“Mom? Uncle?” Iris questioned, looking at them confused.

 

Upon hearing her voice both Romelle and Keith sprung upright and quickly dusted themselves in a weak attempt to look professional.

 

“At this point I won't even bother asking, mom are we still going to the fair today?” His niece said calmly, but the way she passionately tapped her foot made it clear that she was anything but.

 

“Oh I'm not sure sweetheart, I thought that maybe we could push it back to next week?” She said stopping as she saw her daughters smile drop,” Not because I don't want to go but because I thought you'd want your uncle to come with.” Romelle said, her face hosting a reassuring smile.

 

“Why can't he come today?” Iris said now more curios than upset.

 

“He's barely getting settled in, not to mention that around 4:30 he's gonna have to take Krolia to the airport. If he goes with us today hell only be with us for two or three hours before he has to leave again.” Romelle said still looking at her daughter with pity. She knew that she loved her Uncle and she wasn't upset because she didn't want to go with Keith but because her friends had arranged to be their today.

 

A cough interrupted her train of thought and soon after Keith spoke,”You guys should go, Mel you don't plan anything last minute so I'm sure you guys have been looking forward to this for a while, you guys go ahead.” Keith said smiling as he saw Romelle's worried look.

 

“But I do want to go with you.” Iris said now feeling guilty, it's not that she didn't want to go with her Uncle it's just that she had been looking forward to today for weeks.

 

“How bout this, you go to the fair today with your mom and next week we'll go see that musical that you've been nagging about.” Keith said playfully.

 

“Hamilton?!?” Iris said bouncing up and down, barely able to contain her excitement.

 

“That one, so what do you say? I've heard that New York is always the right place to see musicals.”

 

“Okay, mom can we go? Please? I'll clean my room, I swear!”

 

“I have work next week, but I'm sure you'll be fine if it's just you and your uncle right? And you'll listen to him, and stay near him, and not run of like when we went to see Waitress?” Romelle said both Stern and smug as she watched her kid slowly start turning pink.

 

“I promise.” Iris said her head hanging low.

 

“Wait what happened when you guys went to watch Waitress?” Keith said curiously.

 

“Well Little Miss-”

 

“Nope nothing happened, nothing at all. Bye uncl, bye mom you're the best I'mma go change!” And before they knew it she was out the room and running upstairs.

 

“That poor kid, I would've run away years ago if you and Isma were my parents.” Keith said with a small chuckle.

 

“Well we all know how you are with running away.”

 

_Oh, so I guess we're gonna talk about this then_

 

“Mel..” Keith said pleadingly.

 

“We have to talk about this, you know we do.” This brought Romelle no pleasure, she knew it was a touchy subject but this had to happen.

 

The plan wasn't for Keith and Lance to talk during the wedding, she wouldn't have invited him if she knew that Lance was going to show up. And thankfully Lance had kept his mouth shut and hadnt gone around saying that Keith was back in town. It wasn't that she didn't love either of them but this was something that she didn't want to put on either of their shoulders, she had lived through Lance's regret and Keith's denial and both were things that needed more time but sadly that was the one thing they were lacking.

 

“Before we even start let me ask you a question, Lance do you remember him?”

 

“No, not really, I kind of remember what he did, and I know that we were together but I don't really remember him, like what he looked like.” She knew what he was saying was true, and it was sad, he was only getting worse.

 

“Look, Krolia told me what she thought you should do and I know you might hate me for it but I really think that you should go and meet up with that people from before. Ik that you do remember some of them like Shiro and Adam, and I know you miss them, don't think that Isma didn't tell me about that picture you have on your helmet.”

 

_So what if I do? I know I caused them pain when I left, if I come back, then what? I'll have to leave again, I can't do that to them._

 

“ I know that you don't want to, I know that you think it's useless to do it now but trust me when I say I'm sure they'll want to spend as much time with you as they possibly can. I'm not saying that they won't be mad or that they'll comprehend why you did the things you did the way that you did them but trust me when I say that they'll be overjoyed when they see you.” Silence, she had expected it, she knew that Keith was afraid, afraid of his brother being disappointed and unforgiving; afraid of Adam, a father and one of his closest friends, shunning him; afraid of having everyone turn their backs on him, but she knew that wasn't the case all she had to do was find a way to convince him.

 

“Mom!” Iris yelled from upstairs.

 

“What happened?” Romelle yelled back her eyes still glued onto Keith's unmoving figure.

 

“It's almost 2:30 we need to start heading out.” Iris said as she started making her way downstairs.

 

“Think about it, please do. This is a pretty close community I've heard things about Shiro and Adam and they aren't good things, they need you.” Romelle said pleadingly.

 

She hadn't meant to tell him that but she figured that he was bound to find out one way or another. She had heard people talk about them about how they fell apart after he left and all the things that people rumored happened personally. She knows how their freind group had slowly turned into a war zone, she knew how all of this had put a strain on various other relationships, but all she wanted was for him to get the closure that he deserves before he has to leave.

 

“Wait, what? What happened to them?” Keith said, speaking for the first time since the start of their conversation.

 

“Let's go mom.” Iris said as she stood at the living room entrance, her phone on one hand and her mother's purse on the other.

 

“We’ll  talk more about this later, just think about it okay?”

 

“I will, you guys go on and have fun, bye Iris we'll talk more about Hamilton when you guys get back.”

Keith said doing his best to sound cheery.

 

The last thing he heard was Iris's squeal as she dragged Romelle out the door, he set his alarm for three thirty and headed towards his room.

 

_Silence._

 

Silence is always good. Silence is always his helping hand.

 

But he lives in New York there is never silence. So why is it quiet now?

 

It's 2:31 now, New York is always bright. So why is it dark now?

 

He's always been brash and impulsive. So why can't he speak now? Why can't he move? Why can't he breath? Why can't he see?

  
He wants to leave, but New York is always.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I have like the ending of this all planned out and I have another story in the making but I honestly want to make it klangst as all hell.


	6. Mindless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry my conchas but school has been whooping my ass like always, anyways here is this update, hope it's worth.

2120\. he sees a house in California, it's like he had always imagined, the beautiful blinding white picket fence; the stunning stoned path leading to the doorway; the red hyacinths, white lilies, and purple irises all adorning the window sills of the two story house.

It's hoovering.

 

he can hear a lawnmower and just knows it's a Sunday morning, he knows; he can hear a cat, and another, and another and he knows it's Hershey, Catsby, and Potato; and he can hear Lance, he's on the other side, he knows. It sounds like everything that he had ever dreamed of.

 

And he can feel it, he can feel everything he had ever hoped for, all just on the other side. he can feel Hershey's fur, and the vibrations from her purrs right after; he can feel the soil, he can feel it as he digs a new hole and inserts a lily into it; he can feel a hand, he can feel it hold hers as Lance and her wait for the movie to start playing.

 

They're watching.

 

he sees, he hears, he feels, but he will never taste what's on the other side. he knows everything he'd ever desired is behind that picket fence, it's all on that side that he so painfully wishes to reach, so he tries. he takes a step towards her hopes and a pain like nothing he had ever encountered before overcomes her. Her house.

 

he thinks back on the old days as he takes her next step. he remembers the times when all he ever hoped for was for the quiz to be cancelled, now he terms for the simplicity of what life was back then, and again the pain engulfs her and he feels herself sink. Her life.

 

he thinks about Lance, he thinks like Lance. he knows he's urging her to the other side, he knows he's looking down at her with hope despite seeing how he's slowly sinking. he knows, and it boosts her and he presses on as hard as he can, and it seems that all the force he used was pushed back against her now weak self, as he now completely sinks. Lance.

 

  1. I see a house in California, it's like I had always imagined, the beautiful blinding white picket fence; the stunning stoned path leading to the doorway; the red hyacinths, white lilies, and purple irises all adorning the window sills of the two story house.



 

It's hoovering.

 

I can hear a lawnmower and just know it's a Sunday morning, I know; I can hear a cat, and another, and another and I knows it's Hershey, Catsby, and Potato; and I can hear Lance, he's on the other side, I know. It sounds like everything that I had ever dreamed of.

 

And I can feel it, I can feel everything I had ever hoped for, all just on the other side. I can feel Hershey's fur, and the vibrations from her purrs right after; I can feel the soil, I can feel it as I digs a new hole and inserts a lily into it; I can feel a hand, I can feel it hold mine as Lance and I wait for the movie to start playing.

 

They're watching.

 

I sees, I hear, I feel, but I will never taste what's on the other side. I know everything I'd ever desired is behind that picket fence, it's all on that side that I so painfully wish to reach, so I try. I take a step towards my hopes and a pain like nothing I had ever encountered before overcomes me. My house.

 

I think back on the old days as I take my next step. I remember the times when all I ever hoped for was for the week's quiz to be cancelled, now I yearn for the simplicity of what life was back then, and again the pain engulfs me and I feel myself sink. My life.

 

I think about Lance, I think like Lance. I knows he's urging me to the other side, I know he's looking down at me with hope despite seeing how I'm slowly sinking. I know, and it boosts me and I press on as hard as I can, and it seems that all the force I used was pushed back against my now weak self, as I now completely sink. Lance.

 

_“Keith?”_

 

It was easier back then, he can't remember how but he feels it, the simplicity. Was it his pride that got in the way? He knows he made the right choice to leave but he didn't have to got through the the extremes that he had. He was always a rash person, it was his flaw. One of his many.

 

_“Keith? Are you there?”_

 

He hears the voice, stronger than before? Clearer than before? Should he answer?

 

_“Yeah”_

 

It's not the voice he heard before, his voice it's his voice. And in his mind it's an echoing mess jumping from the walls that he had built. The echo reminds him of something, of the silence he had felt so long ago of the peace of the happiness, It's all so far now, it's all to out of reach.

 

_“Oh thank God, well Isa is gonna be here in and hour so…”_

 

Her voice is comfort but it fades out and soon it's just his company. He answers when he believes he should and then he's alone again. A l o n e. Yes alone, alone to himself, to avoid it all, he has time now, time to see time to understand, time.

 

Ten minutes. He finally opens his eyes and he can see again.

 

He tries standing up but quickly realized that that isn't an option, he proceeds to crawl towards his drawer.

 

 _Five missed calls?_ _Fuck, what happened to mom?_

 

“Hello?” The voice at the other end said sounding confused.

 

“Mom?”

 

“Yes?” Krolia said sounding just as confused as before.

 

“ Mom are you okay, I'm so sorry it's because,” He kept silent, he couldn't tell her not enough he would but later,” well something happened but are you okay?”

 

“ Keith calm down, I'm fine, after you didn't answer I called Romelle, she told me you probably over slept or something so I just took a taxi.” Relief was all that Keith could feel, he did feel guilty but at least his slip hadn't forced his mother to buy another ticket or reschedule.

 

“But,” _Of course she would notice something,”_ I know you, your collected, organized, you would've gone through death to hold up, so whatever happened was serious, and I want to know what happened.” It wasn't a question or request it was a demand.

“Mom…” Keith started of with a sigh, he really didn't want to tell her and it wasn't a matter of trust it was more of how she would take it he had more time he knew he had more time but was getting worse and he didn't need her to start worrying especially now that she wasn't as close as she usually would be.

 

“ I know that you don't want to tell me, but please I'm going to be more worried without knowing, at least this way I'll know what's going on and if something happens to you it won't be a surprise if I get a call.” She was right, and maybe that's why he hated it so much. The fact that she could always make him see it from her point of view and help him understand.

 

“I fainted, and I know that at the stage that I am right now I shouldn't have, and I don't know what to do, but I think that I have to see them. They said I had more time, but I'm not sure anymore and I have to see them, I have to.”

 

His voice was completely tattered by the time he finished, he didn't even know why he was crying if he was honest. He didn't remember half of the people that he used to know on the people that he does remember the guilt that he feels the pain that he must have cost them is overbearing. He can only imagine what he would be feeling if Shiro had done what he had, he knows he's a hypocrite for this but what's done is done, there is nothing he can do to change it.

 

But he has to, for most of his life the only thing he knew how to do was run away and it hurts him to realize that it took him this long to know that that wasn't the solution. But he can try to fix it, they might not forgive and that's fine cause he knows that he wouldn't even forgive himself but at least he can say he tried before he goes .

 

“ I...,” Silence,” Do it. You've spent a lot of time if ignoring all these things that have been eating you up, and even if you don't think you deserve it, you need to let that go, you need to breathe, you need to find peace. All I want for you is to be happy and that happiness is going to come when finally let go of all the things that have been haunting you.”

 

“How am I supposed to respond to that?” Keith said more composed, even cracking a small smile.

 

“Don't just remember it, but have you told Romelle?” Krolia said now changing the time more serious.

 

“Told her about me fainting or about me going to see all of them again?

"Both" Krolia said firmly.

“ I haven't told her about me fainting, she'll blame herself for “pressuring me to be here” and I can't make her worry, especially not with Iris around. But I will tell her about visiting everyone, I need her to be there with me, I don't think I can do it alone. But please don't tell her anything at least not yet.”

 

“I won't but please take care of yourself, you advise people to care and love themselves, well how about you? Your life is just as important even if its being-” _She couldn't even finish the sentence._

 

“Mom,” he said as tenderly as he could,” I know that its hard but trust me we'll be fine, i'll be fine, you'll be fine. You just need to worry less about me and focus on yourself. And hey, I'm making progress, Im going to visit everyone soon and the pills are finally starting an effect on the headaches so it's not all bad news, okay?”

 

“You're right. I know you're right, we just have to continue focusing on the positive and just keep the course running while we can, tell me when you need to go. I'm pretty sure that Romelle and Iris don't  appreciate the fact that i've been keeping you hogged up in your room. Speaking of which have you told them, both of them?”

 

_She had to bring it up, he shouldn't be mad at her though it was his own fault._

 

“I've told Romelle, if anything im willing to bet my bike that that is the reason that Isma and her moved the wedding up sooner. I mean back on duty all Isma would talk about would be his perfect fall wedding but-”

 

“But we both know that that isnt what im talking about, have you told Iris?’

 

“No, i haven't.”

 

“Keith-”

 

“I know that i should tell her but how could i?”

 

“No don't say that you know, because you don't. How do you want her to find out? How do you think shes gonna feel when her uncle someone she actually sees closer than blood, someone that she admires, that someone she adores and respects is halfway in the gr-”

 

_Click._

 

He didn't mean to but he had hanged up.

 

He was scared. Scared, because he knew that everything that his mother had said was right BUt how was he supposed to say it to her? Iris was smart young but smart, she would see through all his sugar coated words and round words. The only way she would want to be told would be straightforward and that was something that he couldn't bare to do. Romelle and him had talked about it, he was perfectly fine never telling her, Romelle obviously disagreed with what Keith saw as the easier path. And that was only one of the things he was worried about.    

                     

He was scared. But then again anyone in his position would be, at least this is what he told himself as a form of comfort. The truth was that he was self conscious about the whole situation, he leaves for years and out of nowhere decides to appear, and he wouldn't mind if they slammed the door in his face. He couldn't expect his situation to solve everything, that wasn't the way that things worked, and he didn't want it to be that way.

 

Shay never told him explicitly but he got it; the way that she would constantly avoid telling him anything about Adam and Shiro; the way that her face expression would completely change when he asked her about her relationship with Hunk ( she thought he didn't no about the tears she wiped away not-so-discreetly);the way that she couldn't even look him in the eye when he said he didn't know who Pidge and Coran were anymore. He understood that he had ruined so many lives, and his situation was not an excuse, he wouldn't let it be.

 

Truth be truth even he didn't fully understand what was happening. Even he had trouble wrapping what was happening around his head, but isn't death such a difficult topic to understand, to be at peace with?

 

He was dying, had started dying five years ago and only figured out last year when he had a series of seizure episodes, and all this over a tumor behind his left eye, only the size of a rubber ball, that had somehow managed to remain under the radar. The tumor was so small, that it seemed almost ironic when they told him that there was no way of surgically removing it. To quote the doctor exactly:

 

_“If only it had been placed anywhere else the procedure would have basic, simple but with its current location the chances are too slim.”_

 

Hilarious, right?

 

He can't help but to think that there were so many signs that he could have picked up that he did not, and all it took for him to snap was a seizure and a severe migraine that caused him so much pain that it forced him to pass out. He could have taken more pills or the treatment that all the doctors he went to had suggested but he was just tired, nothing he could do would help get rid of it all the treatment would do is lengthen out his time and he didn't want that. All he wanted to do was live his last few months in peace, not in and out of a hospital constantly.

 

He was dying, and he didn't know what to do.

 

 

 


	7. You're Stuck to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my brobamas, well I'm free, meaning no work or anything, till like April. So I'll be updating more, drama is about to start in the next few chapters. So enjoy these soft ones

“Lance!” 

 

Okay, so he was late, again. And what I mean he's Lance McClain they honestly should've known something like this would happen,but no they decide to blame it all on him as if.

 

“Damn it woman, I can hear you perfectly well,” he said as he continued to silently say to himself,” This woman, yelling at me for no good reason.”

 

“No good reason!? Who's the one that's been “showering” for the past two hours, and now it's 2:30 and we were supposed to arrive before our surprise.” Shay said now more matter of factly than irritated, he should've known that Shay would hear even the slightest peep.

 

“ If I can just say-so” Hunk started before Shay's sharp look sent him back to silence.

 

“You. Can't. Say. Anything. About. Anything. Understood?”, after a small, almost non-existent nod from Hunk she continued,” And now what am I supposed to tell Romelle, you know how she is with punctuality.”

 

“Wait Romelle, why didn't you just say this had something to do with Romelle, I would have been ready five hours ago.” Lance said with a little chuckle.

 

“Well it shouldn't matter who or what the surprise  was you should have been ready on time McClain.”

 

“And now you're going on last name mode how crude of you.” Lance said with fake offense.”

 

“Hurry up, unless you don't want to see your niece.” That damn cockiness, he would've have said something if it wasn't so true, the last time he saw her was the Colour Guard and he still hadn't apologized. 

 

“IRIS?! You should've said that way earlier, man I haven't seen her in forever.” 

 

“Well me and Hunk will be downstairs waiting in the car, and if you really do want to see her today you will be in that car in fifteen minutes or less.” And with that all he heard was the sound of their footsteps as they went through the door. 

 

He waited just a few moments to make sure they had truly left and finally he came out himself. Laid out in his bed were the clothes he planned to put on; black ripped jeans, his favorite turtleneck, and the black dress shoes Iris had got him last Christmas, something felt familiar. 

 

_ “Shiro I told you, I'm not really looking into dating anyone.” It was his voice. _

 

_ This, it's been so long, he didn't remember, he didn't want to remember, why now? _

 

_ “It's not just anyone, it's my brother. And hey, you don't have to date him, but I'm just saying that I think you'd compliment each other nicely. Plus Adam already has a ship name for you too.” Shiro said smiling,  _ **_smiling._ ** _ When did you ever see him do that now? _

 

_ “ Wow you know it was actually kind of sweet up until you mentioned the ship name thing. But we'll see how it goes, by the way how do I look?” He said in his casual cocky way. _

 

_ He knew he looked good, he didn't need anyone to reel him that he completely rocked the outfit, his ripped jeans and favorite turtleneck.  _

 

_ Of course he'd be sent a blast in the past for this, of course his mind would haunt him with memories he tried so hard to forget, of course the torment would never end, but then again he already knew this.  _

 

_ The party was being held at Nyma's house per usual, and most of the typical group would be there, and as he scanned the room he could easily identify who was who. _

 

_ Hunk, Shay, and Pidge were on the couch right next to the door looking like they were really into some argument all while Corán stroked his mustache and made weird facial expressions at certain words. _

 

_ Nyma and Rolo were in the kitchen looking like they were preparing something. Now that he looks back on it, it was the cake they brought out later, the one with a really badly drawn spaceship  _

 

_ Allura, Lotor, and Andrew were nowhere to be seen. And Adam was Sitting on a stair step chatting with someone, and that's where it began. _

 

_ Shiro Made his way towards Adam and it seem almost planned that exactly when Adam went for a hug that he and this new stranger would lock eyes, and from that moment he knew he was lost.  _

 

_ His eyes were violet, and up until that moment he never knew how beautiful that color really was. Violet. And he still remembers how the only thing that his mind seemed to comprehend was that his eyes were gorgeous, and that they were officially his new favorite thing. _

 

_ And as he stayed lost in his mind gushing about it on and on, Keith sent him a smile. And that's when he finally got a full view of everything that Keith was. Gorgeous. _

 

_ Beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, beautiful face, beautiful hair, beautiful, all of this running through his mind. _

 

_ Keith made this first step like always, he never really was patient. _

 

_ “Hey, I'mma assume that you're Shiro's friend Lance?” Keith said happy.  _ **_Happy, unlike the last time you saw him, remember that, monster._ **

 

_ “And what if I said I wasn't?” He said back jokingly, the humorous tone very obviously underlining his question. _

 

_ “Then I have to go tell Shiro that I found someone else that I'm interested in.” Keith said his eyes shining. _

 

_ “Well I feel bad for that Lance guy, I'm sure he's missing out.” _

 

_ The rest of the night went a bit like that, they talked, and got to know each other. Lance learned that Keith had studied abroad in Korea and that now he was transferring to the Garrison for finalization and evaluation in piloting skills. Keith learned about Lance's family all 46 of them along with how he met his brother, in what Shiro casually called a “ stupid but kind of cathartic experience.” _

 

_ And towards the end of the night, after they exchanged numbers, keith said something. Something he had just forgotten along with other minor details, but now he remembers. _

 

_ He remembers _

 

_ “Hey Lance.” _

 

_ “You look nice in jeans and a turtleneck.” _

 

“Hey Lance, Shay sent me said if you're not down in four minutes she'll have your ass on a plate.” Hunk said trying to stifle a chuckle.

 

“Yeah, I-I’ll be r-right out.”  _ Shit.  _ Even he knew that it had come out to shaky, Hunk was sure as hell not gonna buy any excuse he made.

 

“Hey Lance, are you okay? If you're feeling to sick I can tell Shay that you're not feeling up to it I'm sure the girls would understand.” 

 

No, he had to go. If he knew Shay at all, then he knows that she had planned this week's in advanced not to mention that he really did miss Romelle and Iris and he wasn't about to let his memories ruin the opportunity to see them.

 

“No I’m going, I’m going.”

 

He took a few minutes to collect himself and then headed to the front door. Opening it though took will power. He was never ready, he wasn’t ready to face Hunk and his pitying smile, he wasn't ready for the disapproving look shay would send, and for it to change to pity as Hunk quietly explained, and he wasn’t ready to move on. Whatever move on may be he just wasn’t ready.

 

He wasn't the brightest, he knew that but even in his hurt and denying state he knew he had to forget, he had to walk toward. It had been years since he last talked to Allura, and even though both were at fault they had refused to speak on it, that was gonna change. He was gonna call her so that they could meet up and just get it over with.

 

Shiro was worse at first he resented Lance, blamed him for the disappearance of his brother. But then it changed, he stopped feeling, and he'd much rather Shiro to hate him forever than to continue being this human husk. Adam was the person who spoke for him and cared for him the weight of it visible on his face, but that's what love does to you, it makes you stay even after they've already clocked out.

 

Adam, dear God Adam was just as bad but in a completely different way. He was understanding even though he was mad at Lance he understood that nothing was gonna change unless Keith chose to come back. But the guilt Lance felt when he looked at Adam was overwhelming, all he wanted to do was don't and tell him how sorry he was that he had ruined his wedding and family. The difference was that Adam at least appeared to hold it together we'll Shiro, he'd fallen apart and no one could figure out how to put him back together.

 

Keith, he thought he had seen him, but now he realizes and what? What if he saw him, what if they talked? He didn't want Keith to get back with him, I mean he did but what he did, he simply didn't deserve a second chance. 

 

He remembers the weeks after Keith's disappearance, how all his friends and coworkers constantly asked,”Where's Keith, we haven't seen him in a while.”

 

It took him five weeks until he could finally say “Me and my lover came to an end, I didn't want that, but I guess he did.”

 

But even then he wasn't ready.

 

But like things in this life are, they never wait for us to be ready.

 

All we do is open the door, lift our chin, and smile, because as long as they believe that you're alright whatever you feel won't matter.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. To Who Do You Owe Apologies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went to watch season 8 with low expectations and they still disappointed me. Honestly I wanted to make this whole chapter a long ass rant of how fucked the season was, but I'll save that for later. Besides that, me? Uploading? In less than a week? Wow. Enjoy guys cause shits about to get heavy, I settled on my lawsuit (finish the lyric).

The ride was tense, just how he expected. Whispers were constantly being exchanged by both Shay and hunk and regardless of how secretive she thought she was being he could see her checking him out in the side mirror, worried like always.

 

It seemed like he was the only topic of discussion anymore. That wouldn't be a bad thing, not necessarily, if the stress it caused both  if them wasn't so noticeable. He couldn't judge them though even he got tired of taking care of himself, pathetic.

 

And he didn't even want to admit that he was on part glad that Shay had pushed him to get out of the house. Nowadays he only left for the absolute essentials like toilet paper or food but even then he just ordered something of a fast food joint and lived of that instead of putting any effort in at least acting like he had his life put together even a bit.

 

Despite the fact that he was deep in thought he could ignore the giant tomato head that one hundred percent gave away where they were.

 

“The fair?” Lance questioned. No don't get him wrong he left the fair he shared many great memories there but Shay on the other hand hated it.

 

It wasn't that she hated people were kids running around being happy who's just the fact that she fell gross I'm for good reason nearly every surface was covered with something as I would be cutting candy or spilt soda but to Lance that was a beauty going to a fair; going in clean and coming out disgusting.

 

“Yup, the fair.” Shay said seeming to shrink into her seat as she payed for their parking ticket.

 

As Shay and Hunk talked as they struggled to find a parking space he started remembering the last time he had gone to the fair. It wasn't anything too sentimental nothing too serious but it's still paint him a bit to remember. That last outing to the fair was the last time that all of the group was together, happy, it was the last time.

 

But today was going to be fun he was with Shay and with Hunk and he would finally get a Romelle Iris again.

 

“Lance let's go I got a text from Romelle ten minutes ago saying that she was already waiting for us.” Shay said scrambling for her purse.

 

“Yeah let's go wouldn't want to keep them waiting, we don't know what she might be planning with all this spare time.” Lance said as he exited the car.

 

“Let's go we have to walk double time since they decided to park halfway across the country,” Before Shay could even attempt to defend herself Hunk continued,” Now onward I've been dying to get my hands on some funnel cake.”

 

As they made their way to the entrance a certain blonde became more and more noticeable.

 

“Lance!” Romelle said with her British accent, where did it come from who knows? Sure she had been born in England and her parents were British but they had to move to New York when she was 5, I guess some things just stick.

 

“Aww man Romelle, I have missed you guys like way too much.” He said as he engulfed her in a hug.

 

“We have to you absolute weblum, but someone seems to not have a phone cause you never text me, I had to get Hunk to help me plan a way to hang out with you.” She said giving him a playful punch on the shoulder.

 

“God I'm so sorr-”

 

“Oh don't be, Shay has been telling me how works got you beat. Work comes first but never hesitate to call if you wanna meet up.” _Lies._

 

It took everything that he had not to turn and look at Shay, he was horrified especially when he saw how happy Romelle was, how she thought that he hadn't been calling because of pure good hearted reasons. But Shay, she had lied, lied for him. She knew, she was one of the first ones that he had told that he had been fired from his job 1 month ago he didn't tell her why but he was pretty sure she could guess it.

 

“Yeah sorry works really been a kicker.” _Do you have shame? Do you even care about how easy the lies fall from your mouth?_

 

“Maybe soon I could stop by the house.”

 

“Oh,” Lance felt it something was off,” well that's be nice but we can right now because um-”

 

“Lance it's two days after her wedding give her and Isma some time to enjoy, I'm sure she'll tell you when there is nothing in the way, right Romelle.”

 

“Yes, exactly.”

 

As Romelle made her way to exchange greetings with Hunk and Shay he couldn't shake of the feeling that something was off, something in Shay's tone and in Romelle's hesitance, it was unsettling.

 

“And Iris?” _Oh, he had forgotten about her, shit._

 

“She should be here soon, she had to use the restroom and I had her run over so that we didn't have you waiting in turn.” Romelle said earning a chuckle out of the group.

 

They waited for a few more minutes, most of it spent with Romelle making small talk with the group in specific with Hunk about his and Shay's shop and how the business was holding up. And soon they could see Iris making her way to them.

 

“Hunk!” Iris said launching herself into Hunks arms.

 

“How are you? How was the pie I left you?”

 

“I loved it, I usually hate Key Lime pie, bit you do wonders I couldn't stop eating, I would have finished it but mom wouldn't let me.” Iris said pouting.

 

“Aw Romelle, I gave it to her as a gift and as her gift she was entitled to eat it.” He said almost scolding Romelle.

 

He turned and faced Iris,”Don't worry about it I'll make you another one and this time I'll make sure you can eat it all in one sitting if you want.” As he finished this Iris gave a grateful smile and she waited till hunk turned his head to stick out her tongue at her mom. She had gotten what she wanted.

 

Next she moved on to Shay, they're interactions were always the best to watch. Everyone even Shay knew that Iris was terrified of her not only was Shay tall which was one of Iris's phobias but Shay had authority, she had a way of getting respect and that was scary.

 

But by the end of the day she seemed to forget about all her fears and they were nearly inseparable.

 

But something strange happened, as Iris finished saying hello to Shay she moved back to her mom and asked if she could leave, never once acknowledging Lance's presence.

 

“Hon you forget to say hi to your uncle Lance.” Romelle said with a smile still not noticing Iris's mood.

 

And she whispered something back to her mom, maybe she wasn't trying to be quiet, maybe she wanted Lance to hear it because what she said made his heart completely fall.

 

_He is not my uncle._

 

“We will talk about that at the house now go say hi to your uncle.” Lance didn't fail to notice on the emphasis on “your uncle”. Slowly Iris made her way towards him.

 

“Hi Lance.” She said it cheery, but he saw that she wasn't feeling the emotion behind it. _Lance?_ She never called him Lance it was always uncle or Tio but never just Lance.

 

“ Hey kiddo”, he said as he hugged her, she was tense,” I never got to apologise so I'll do it now sorry for the Colour Guard thing that happened.”

 

She leaned in close,” I got over that, but you shouldn't be apologizing to me, you know who you should though.” She whispered her voice was still, unwavering and as he pulled back to look at her she was smiling, back into her happy persona.

 

“Stay away from my Uncle Keith.”

 

And with that she turned and left yelling behind her that she'd call Romelle to pick her up later in the day.

 

“I'm sorry about that she was perfectly fine this morning, I don't know what happened.” Romelle said just as confused as he was.

 

“It's all good don't sweat it, how bout we head inside?” With everyone's approval they started walking towards the entryway.

 

_Uncle Keith._

 

Those words seem to taunt him, he'd clear his mind and those words would appear once again to remind him, but remind him of what? Iris knowing knowing about the drama that had happened surrounding him and  Keith was a possibility a likely one at that. After all, Romelle and her lived in the same house maybe talking to Ismael about it or to Lance even over the phone she could overheard something. But she had said Uncle Keith, uncle, she would never call someone that unless she was close to them in this case with him but that had to be completely impossible Romelle didn't know Keith, he doubted that she even knew a Keith much less this one. And if she did she wouldn't  keep it hidden like this, she had heard about the damage. Him disappearing had cost so much and she knew, she couldn't possibly do something like that to everyone could she?

 

_You shouldn't try apologizing to me._

 

As much as he hated to think about it she had been right he didnt have to apologize to her after the incident and everything but she was looking at something deeper. After the fight despite that he knew he was in the wrong, he could never fully apologize, he could never fully admit that he was wrong, he could never fully say “I'm sorry that I cheated, I'm sorry that I broke your trust,I'm sorry that I did this”. Even now he doesn't know why he didn't just say it, maybe it wouldn't have changed anything but even if it didn't it would help clear his mind, it would help him feel like even though it was his fault he tried, that he wasn't a complete douche about it, but now it's too late and the only thing he can do is schedule that meeting with Allura and start moving forward.

 

_Stay away from my Uncle Keith._

 

This was haunted him  the most, stay away? Sure he had been trying to find Keith for years but to no avail every time he thought he had a lead he ended up five steps behind where he initially started. Stay away? He already was away he didn't know where Keith was or he could have been. Unless he was there. The day of Romelle's wedding. It was him. But it couldn't be, and he wasn't about to be stupid enough to raise his hopes up again. Sure Iris's words would be locked in the back of his mind taunting him, constantly rounding the corner to remind him that they were there but he was not about to let himself be consumed by them he was starting he was beginning a new life cat move on and even if Iris's words have any meaning he couldn't risk it.

 

He couldn't risk falling down again it had taken him so much to reach the level of stability that he was at currently finally after so long he felt like he was ready to move on he would never forget him he would never be able to forgive himself but maybe he could just start living again. Keith would always be the love of his life he was this past is present and for so long he thought that he just might be his future as well but he couldn't stay like this anymore he couldn't keep morning over the loss but he felt. And despite at one time admiring the strength and bravery that Shiro embraced he didn't want to end up like him, empty and broken because he couldn't move on, he refused to be like this.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys look I need help, this story will most likely end at 20 chapters and I have another one in the making but I'm not sure of the pairing so you guys tell me what you want to see. 
> 
> Also I love Voltron(sometimes), but they just did us wrong.


	9. The Storm Came Before the Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one around 4,000 so yeah, and I finished this yesterday and I was to excited so I'm posting today enjoy. My posting schedule is such a mess I'm sorry

 

He had fallen asleep again. He had waited for them till 23:00 and by then just everything that had happened and the choice of seeing everyone again had just tired him out. So his best guess was that he'd fallen asleep.

 

While there was no actual way of knowing if he truly had it didn't matter because he felt weightless, he felt at ease.

 

Weightless, when was the last time he called himself that. Now everything was weighing on him, every place he looked, every corner he turned he was forced to take additional baggage onto his shoulders.

 

But he kept on going, cause soon he'd be home, he'd be with his mom and they'd be fine, they always were fine. And when the days slowly became shorter and when he began to forget his face, she'd be there. To help him remember, and when he did she'd be there to tell him it's not his fault and they'll be okay.

 

His dreams weren't usually this peaceful, but he appreciated the change. His dreams had variety. His dreams were beautiful when they wanted to be.

 

All his dreams he barely remembered but he remembers the colors associated with certain parts of his dreams.

 

His first type were the ones that seemed like memories. These were the ones that always had him waking up in middle of the night and then forcing himself to got to sleep. Dreams of soft colours and touches, dreams of _him,_ dreams about Lance. A name without a face. The first time he had one he'd cried,he felt so close to remembering so close and he woke up and it was lost. But it wasn't always about Lance, sometimes it was memories of him and two other guys just talking, just that talking. One was slim, had grey eyes and what he called “the fuckboy cut” but he wasn't like that at all, he was comfort, maybe a bit unorthodox, but he was like a nice warm burgundy; the other was tall, shoulders broad, clearly of African-American decent, but despite his looks in all these dreams he was calm he was delicate, he was lavender.

 

The next ones were the nightmare type. These varied between events that actually happened and scenarios that his mind had made up. The most often ones were those of his days in the orphanage, the ones were no one was there to defend him, the scars across his body proof of the pain that he had been victim to. The ones falling close while fiction were the scariest, the ones were Adam and Shiro were happy that he had left, that they had finally gotten rid of him. He loved them, they raised him, they cared for him and he'd like to think that they also loved him, but he knew that wasn't true. It couldn't be, what type of people wanted to raise a kid when they could be out enjoying their youth? It didn't help that he was troublesome, even when Shiro approached him with kindness and understanding he still just did things to spite him, to gain a reaction, and all because he was afraid of opening up and them leaving. And then he left after all they did for him, after putting up with his already  ungrateful self, he was a fool and now he paid the price, they had a right to hate him.

 

The next were the confusing ones, the ones that were distorted and the ones that forced him to read in between the lines. Flashing images and fragmented sentences. He hated them, he always woke up questioning what they meant, and if they were real. Should he even bother to try piecing it together if there was even the slightest possibility that the voices; the images, that all of it wasn't real? That it was just another side effect of his mind slowly spiralling into a mess of nothingness? The query of it all killed him every time.

 

_“I'm going to my room.”_

 

_“No I said we were gonna talk after breakfast and it's after breakfast so we are gonna talk about what happened yesterday.”_

 

_“I have nothing to say.” A chair scratched the floor and footsteps followed._

 

 _“Iris, Iris! Hey what was that?! You never act like this especially not towards him.”_ Romelle, he was gonna wake up soon.

 

_“ Stop walking and listen for a bit. He's been nothing but nice and you were the one to call him uncle, after all he's done the least you owe him is some respect!”_

 

He finally woke up and despite feeling a bit loopy from the forced awakening he had, he needed to see what was going on. Romelle and Iris, despite being much alike, loved each other and fights between them were rare and even when they did it was over small insignificant things.

 

He knew that eavesdropping on their argument was probably not the right thing to do but he also knew that he ask Romelle later she wouldn't give him the full story. At least like this he was hearing it from the horse's mouth, her words something she couldn't go back on. So he sat by the stairwell and tried his best to not make a sound.

 

“I owe that man nothing, absolutely nothing, but you know, we both know who he does owe something to, don't we?” Iris said,her words containing a vicious bite. Did someone owe her dad or maybe Romelle money or?

 

“What are you even talking about?” Romelle said now not only sounding confused but exhausted.

 

“Keith.” She said causing her mother's face to completely falling.

 

“How-How do you know about that?”

 

“What did you not want me finding out?,” Iris spit back out, “ You wanted me to keep acting all nice and lovely to that, that monster?!”

 

“Don't dare call him that, I don't care what you think of him but in front of me you will respect him, he may be many things but that's not one of them and I will not tolerate you calling him that!”

 

“Never.” The determination in her voice sending a chill to his bones,” After all he did to him you still protect him? Does Tete even know that you know that man? Or is that just another thing you're hiding?!”

 

“Don't use that tone with me Iris Areliyet, you can be mad but you think I'm not? I know he messed up, and then you somehow found out of which I'm sure you did by sneaking around and listening to me and your dad.”

 

“Please, do you really think I needed that? I heard you mention it once and I wasn't snooping you said it infront. But you think I don't notice how he flinches when you mention Adam or Shiro, he had a near panic attack when my friend Julian came over, and you wanna know why? Because he's tall, tan, blue-eyed, and you guessed it Cuban.”

 

“Iris” Romelle started before she was cut of.

 

“Wow who else fits that description, who else could possibly fit that description tell me mom since you feel so find if him, tell me?!”

 

Things were getting to heated and he knew that if he didn't come between them one of them would do something they would heavily regret.

 

“Romelle?” Keith said as he pretended to barely walk out of his room.

 

Both of them quickly cleared there faces of any emotion trying to play it off as well as they could.

 

“I'm going to my room.” Iris said as she made her way upstairs, no words were said.

 

“Good morning Tete, hope you slept well, I'll talk to you later.” She said as she gave him a kiss on the cheek and left.

 

“Well good morning to you sleeping beauty, what can I do for you?” She said with a forced smile as he made his way downstairs. He wouldn't mention the fight today, he had bigger things to deal with first.

 

“I want to see them,I thought about it and I have to, I can't keep hiding from it especially now more than ever. And I need your help I don't have their contact information and I was hoping that maybe you do.” he said looking anywhere but we're Romelle was at.

 

“Oh God,Keith I'm so happy for you yes I have almost everyone's information go get ready and we'll leave! Oh, dumb,who do you want to see first?” Romelle exclaimed looking more excited for this then he was.

 

“Shiro, Adam and Shiro.” Keith said with as much determination as he could muster.

 

“I figured, well they live ten minutes from here, I'm sure it's the same house they had before you left so at least it'll have a sense of familiarity. Go change, it'll take me fifteen minutes to get ready and then we'll head out.” Romelle said as she started making her way upstairs, the smile on her face never leaving.

 

He changed into the nicest thing he could find and just waited, throughout his body was a constant queasy feeling. It was impossible to not think of scenarios, of how the reunion would go, everything was crumbling and falling on top of him and he didn't know what to do about it.

 

What if they kicked him out? What if they didn't even want to speak to him? What if they are t home and he goes like a dumbass knocking on their door? He missed them and the idea of not being able to at least see their face one last time, even if it was just them slamming the door on them, was simply heartbreaking.

 

“You ready?” Romelle said as she sat next to him on the living room couch.

 

“'Mel what if I can't do this? What if they don't want to see me?” Keith said, his voice wavering, eyes watering. The fear of rejection slowly creeping towards them and then hitting him all at once.

 

“I called them”, upon seeing Keith's shocked expression she rushed to explain,” I didn't say it was you I just asked if I could drop by and if I could bring a friend with me, Adam didn't push it he just said that he doesn't be waiting for us but that they had an appointment at 15:00 hours.”

 

“Okay thank you, that gives us two hours with them so let's not waste time, let's go.” Keith said standing up and heading to the door.

 

“Well then,”. Romelle said as she picked up her keys,” Let's go and Keith, trust me when I say they love you, and they have missed you.”

 

“Thanks 'Mel.”

 

“Also have I told you that I hate when you call me that?”

“You have, that's why I keep doing it.” Keith said smugly, things were gonna be alright.

 

The ride over to their house was peaceful for most part except with a few exceptions when Keith's anxiety would get to him, he knew what this visit meant, he was to see all of them sooner or later, all of them again all of them no exceptions. It was closure before he eventually had to pass on he wasn't ready but he doubted he'd ever be, and he knew that if he didn't do it now he never would, and he couldn't do that to any of them they had a right to at least know that he was still up and kicking.

 

As they pulled into the driveway he fully started losing it.

 

“‘Mel I can't. What am I even gonna do? Do I just knock,are you gonna be with me what's gonna happen, help?” Keith said panicked looking around trying to ground himself.

 

“I'll go with you if that makes you feel at ease,okay? But I know you miss them and trust me I know that they'll be more than overjoyed to see you.” Romelle said putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“ Okay”

 

Every step he took towards the house felt lengthened, dreadful, fear overwhelming him.

 

And then Romelle knocked on the door and his world seemed to fall apart. He took two steps away from her this way even if they opened the door they couldn't see him.

 

A few moments later and the door finally opened.

 

“Hi Adam how are you doing?” Romelle asked politely.

 

“I'm doing well, you want to come inside?” Adam responded.

 

He sounded tired, but leave it up to Adam to sound like that, it wasn't uncommon for him to be scolded for pushing himself to hard.

 

“Well I have someone I'd like you to see first.” And with that he felt Romelle grab his left arm push him in front of her, right in front of Adam.

 

“Keith?” Adam whispered broken but hopeful. And in that moment Keith regretted everything.

 

Both of them stood there, looking at each other, both of them sure that this wasn't real, that this was some sick joke.

 

Adam was the same but so different. The bags under his eyes dominated almost all his other features. His hair was streaked with gray, it shouldn't be like this, he shouldn't look like this.

 

“Adam, Adam I'm so sorry. I fucked up and you guys suffered and it shouldn't have been you, Adam, I'm sorry.” Keith said leaning on Adam and completely falling apart.

 

“Keith no just, Takashi! Takashi, please get over here! Please?” He said as he slowly started falling apart as well.

 

Keith was grown, there was no denying that, but it was overwhelming. He left and he was mad but his boy was back the boy he helped raise, someone he saw as son, he was back and he sure as hell wasn't gonna let him out of his sight.

 

But he was also sad, even with Keith's face now hidden in his shirt he had seen the scar running along his cheek, what had happened? Who did this to him? And he left, he knew what had happened between him and Lance, the pain that he had had to suffer alone. He was gonna propose to Lance, maybe not right away but the intention was there, he had talked to Shiro about it and then everything happened and then the  whole building collapsed.

 

“Adam? “ Shiro, broken. It was his fault.

 

Adam turned to look at him, tears still running down his face, holding Keith tighter than ever. And as if gold as if the greatest thing in this world he showed him Keith, still sobbing into his shirt, but in that moment nothing was more precious than Keith.

 

And soon enough it was all three of them together again and it almost felt like if he had never left. If he just shifted a bit he could pretend that he was just returning from a holiday and not returning from years of unknowing disappearance.

 

It took around twenty minutes till Adam could let go and even then he felt reluctant to leave.

 

“I'll go put the kettle, I think we all need something to help calm us down.” Adam said taking of his glasses and wiping his eyes.

 

“I'll help you.” She said as she went with him her eyes still bloodshot.

 

Even then Shiro couldn't let go, so Keith led to the couch and they sat down, but even then Shiro didn't stop crying and every tear that fell from his face felt like acid on his skin.

 

Soon enough Adma and Romelle returned and he knew that the questions would start soon.

 

Surprisingly the first question came from Shiro.

 

“Why'd you leave? You could have stayed here? Just, why?” Shiro's voice came from were his head was buried on Keith's side, frail and quiet.

 

He knew that was coming and logically so, he could feel Adam’s eyes on him, but the guilt wouldn't let him look at him.

 

“After, after everything, I just couldn't do it, he made me feel useless, so I called Kolivan,” At that everyone became tense, he didn't need to see Adam scowling at the mention of his name,” And I asked him to get me in, I wanted to leave I wanted to forget, I had to, and he got me in and I enjoyed it I mean that's how I met ‘Mel.”

 

“But why didn't you come stay with us, we would've let you stay here.” Adam followed.

 

“ I couldn't,” Keith said through gritted teeth,” I already burdened you guys enough, and just to stay with you cause of that I just couldn't.”

 

“Burden, never call yourself that, you were never a burden to me or Shiro.” Adam said taken aback, everything that Keith had said was untruthful and hurt Adams soul to hear him say something like this.

 

“But I was I always was, Shiro didn't sign up to take care of me, he shouldn't have had to be my parent, the accident was my fault as if losing his parents wasn't enough,I forced him to lose his arm as well. And then you were dragged into it and it's not like I made it easier, I was a pest at most. Always trying to find ways to gain a reaction, I didn't deserve you guys, I still don't.” He sobbed out.

 

The room stood still, each and every single thing spilling out of Keith's mouth hitting too close to home for all three of them. Adam and Shiro always knew that Keith preferred being by himself, more isolated than most but they never thought it was because he thought he was taking up space. Romelle feeling guilty for overlooking all Keith's seemingly passive comments and not seriously sitting him down and telling how much she had appreciated his choice to stay.

 

“Me losing my parents, me losing my arm, they were never your fault. And I never want to hear you blame yourself over something that was so blatantly not your fault. You're my brother, always have been and always will be so don't say that, when you do you make it clear that I haven't done a good enough job to show how much I care about you.” Shiro said looking up from were he was staying before, with the same determination that he once used to have.

 

“And I didn't get _dragged_ into it. If I didn't want to be here I would've left, but I didn't because I love you and I love Shiro, because you guys are my life and my motivation. And when you left it really broke us,” Adam said, his voice cracking towards the end, with a few minutes to recover and Romelle's reassuring hand on his shoulder he continued,” It did, so please just stay just for a while.” His voice pleading him to do so, and who was he to say no.

 

But Romelle and him shared a quick look, he was gonna have to leave and permanently, but he couldn't say it now not when they were like this, it'd have to wait.

 

After a few more questions and just basic catch up Romelle and Keith agreed that he'd stay for a week here in the house, she would bring some his stuff tomorrow morning.

 

“Hey do you guys know anywhere I can just go to get a coffee to clear my mind, this has been alot for me too.”

 

“Oriande's has really good coffee and pasta and it's not far from here walking so if you want you can go we'll wait for you.” Adam said.

 

“Okay I'll see you guys in a bit.” Keith said and with that he made his way out the door.

 

He put in the address into his phone and started walking to the shop. It was barely 18:00 hours but the sun was already coming down, making the sky a beautiful display of multiple colors.

 

Soon the shop came into view it was a beautiful two story café. With flower pots decorating the huge panel windorme that overlooked the busy street ahead of them.

 

And then he made a mistake.

 

A mistake.

 

The day was beautiful, the sunset was gorgeous, why did he have to look inside?

 

At first glance the inside matched the outside, it was beautiful. The inside was busy, buzzing with life, and right in the middle was a couple.

 

A man, his gestures soft but determined, tan, slim, and eyes that captivated him in some way that even he couldn't explain.

 

A woman, strong but elegant, every movement she made coordinated, again like the man she was tall, slim, and tan, her most eye-catching feature being her white hair heavily contrasting with her skin.

 

His mistake was not looking away and just leaving, his mistake was staying,looking, digging through his mind because he couldn't shake of the fact that something about them seemed familiar.

 

His mistake was recognizing them. The memories hit him like a flash, the man was him, Lance  and the woman was Allura, the grey in his dreams.

 

_Of course they're together, did you really think he wouldn't see you leaving as his opportunity to be with who he really wanted to be with all along? Man, you really are a bigger fool than you let on?_

 

Another mistake, not leaving when he recognized them.

 

“Hey are you okay?” A pretty blonde woman asked him. Was he? He hadn't even noticed the tears running down his face.

 

“Yes, thank you.” And the woman left and he made his last mistake of the night, looking back through the that window and making eye contact with Lance.

 

He only got to see as Lance's face lit up with both recognition, disbelief, and shock he didn't stay around for more, quickly he ran into the alley and kept running until he was sure they would t find him no matter how hard they tried.

 

He didn't have time to be sad, he left and just as he had moved on with his life Lance had the right to do so as well, that didn't mean that the tears would stop coming. He was finally heading back home when he heard a small whimper coming from the back of a deli.

 

A dog, but not any dog, this one was different, beautiful, intelligent even, having found a way to get out a piece of ham from the back window. His coat mainly black with what seemed to be designs etched throughout his sides. His eyes seemed to know what was going on at all times. He moved towards Keith, stopped, analyzed him, and then circled around his legs, growing fond of him almost instantly.

 

“Seems like we're both a bit lost huh?” He said as he petted the dog.

 

“ You don't have a home, so I'll take you to mine, and then the both of us buddy might've learned something by then.”

 

And with that Keith headed home with his new buddy close behind.

 

It was fine to be lost, as long as there was someone to help guide you home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be confusing to some so I'll explain. This is happening the same day that Keith goes to visit Adam and Shiro But it's in Lance's point of view. It switches from present day, which is in normal font, and a flashback of when Lance cheated, which is in italics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well school started so I didn't upload as quick as I'd like to also for some reason I found this chapter harder to write and I don't know why. But take this long ass chapter and enjoy.

 

_ “Keith, let's go. If we're late to another party Shiro will actually kill us.” Lance said from the kitchen of their shared apartment. _

 

_ It was Shiro's and Adam's last party as fiances and they wanted to make it the biggest and craziest thing in the state. One last hoorah before they settled into a calmer, simpler life as husbands. _

 

_ Most parties they could skip out on, either them being of little importance or them coming up with a bullshit excuse to not attend, not like they needed them it wasn't like anyone would corner them about it. But this was Shiro's party, there was no escaping. _

 

_ And it's not like they wanted to either, Shiro and Adam had done a lot for them the least he could do was go to a party even if Keith would complain the whole way saying that he already lived with them for 10 years and that they didn't need his presence in a party. _

 

_ “Keith, please, ever since Shiro started getting white hairs he's slowly been getting scarier and scarier and I'm not about to cross him.” _

 

_ “I'm going, I just can't find my jacket anywhere and Red is clawing onto my leg.” The frustration in Keith's voice was evident it wasn't uncommon for Red to latch onto Keith when they had to go anywhere. _

 

_ “Babe.”  _

 

_ “I get it, it's their like going away party, but I don't need to be there me being there makes absolutely no difference!” Keith continued ranting from upstairs. _

 

_ “Babe.” _

 

_ “And then they told me they got ice cream and I was happy but guess what all the ice cream they got has milk in it. Not that I care, but Adam would have my ass on a plate if I dare touch it.” Dear God this was getting ridiculous. _

 

_ “For Judas’s silver, Mullet your jacket is on the couch downstairs!” Lance blurted out, Keith misplacing something and looking for it was cute, but not when they were running half an hour late and he was losing his head on it. _

 

_ “Thanks.” Keith said as he grabbed his jacket of the couch, his head down, no doubt to hide his red face. _

 

_ “Now are you ready?” Lance said his hand on his hip and one eyebrow raised. _

 

_ “Well I would be, but um” Keith said as he motioned to the cat that was still very much attached to his calf. _

 

_ “Red, can I talk to you? Man to gentlelady?,” Lance said as crouched down to be within the cats eye line,”You have him all day, I come near him and you spike up like if you called dibs on him first so I'm sorry to say that tonight he's mine Miss.”  No respond, that damn cat how ungrateful. _

 

_ Well it was time to bring the big guns. _

 

_ “When I say go, I'll rip her of you and you dash to the car, understood?” With a quick nod of understanding from Keith's part, he prepared himself. _

 

_ “GO!!!” Lance yelled as he ripped a very angry and disgruntled Red off of Keith, running through the entryway I to the living room, placing said cat onto the couch, and running before that damn cat attacks him. Why'd they get Red again? _

 

_ Slamming the door behind him, he let out a breath of relief, he made it.  _

 

_ Finally they just needed to head over to Shiro's house and get this party started, he knew Keith didn't want to go, he always felt queasy around crowds, but he was gonna be there for him, always, no matter what. _

 

They had all stayed at the fair until 21:30, but Hunk had invited them out to wear and no one was about to say no. Typically that would be an hour or an hour in a half deal but Shay wanted to go to the new Denny's across town and that took up an hour, by the time they were sat and finished eating it was way past midnight.

 

And call him desperate but the phone call couldn't wait so he called Allura then and there.

 

“Hello?” It had been a good couple of years since he last heard her voice, despite it obviously being clouded with sleep she still held that tone of elegance.

 

“Anyone there?”  _ Shoot, all you have to do is move your mouth Lance. _

 

“Hey, Allura, remember me?” Deep breaths and silence. Not that he could blame her. She had tried reaching out to him various times and each and everyone he had declined not because he hated her, but because she was a constant reminder of what he had lost.

 

“L-Lance?” She spit out, her voice trembling as the sound of her bed and footsteps made it clear that she was moving to another part of the house.

 

“I know that I'm calling in not the most ideal of times and I probably woke you up but, I'm so tired of circling around you and the issue and I just want to let all that go.”  _ Great, you did just great Lance, don't talk to the poor woman for a few years then call her in the dead of night rambling on and on. _

 

“ Well you are right about it not being ideal,” She said chuckling a bit putting Lance in ease,” And I understand, do you just want to get it out of your mind now, cause if so I'm ready I don't have work tomorrow well today, if you want to?” She finished, man why'd she have to be so understanding made him feel like a bigger idiot than usual.

 

“ If it's fine by you, I would rather meet in person there's just things that have been on my mind that I doubt I'd be able to say coherently through the phone and some stuff that I don't think I'd be able to fully get out. Besides that I need to apologize the right way, to your face, for avoiding you and not getting this over with sooner.” 

 

“ I completely understand, and if I'm completely honest I wish to speak to you in person as well, it's been a while since we've gotten together.” 

 

“Well it's been some time since everyone has gotten together.”

 

“Yeah it has.” Her voice sad and laced with nostalgia.

 

It's been years since he last saw Allura, but she wasn't the only one that he had drifted from, the most notable one would be Pidge. While once they were close as blood no they hated his guts, and he understood why. No matter what her choice would always be Keith.

 

They both had gotten closer over the years especially in their Garrison days both of them thriving on their passion for astrophysics. And the Shirogane and Holt households had known each other since always, the bond between them was unbreakable, and nothing was going to change it.

 

“Well Coran has also asked about you, you know you were his favorite out of the bunch, I'd say that Oriande's would be a good place to meet, unless you have another place in mind?”  _ Oriande's? That's were Pidge _

 

“Lance?”

 

“Yeah Oriande's is good, what's a good time for you?”

 

“I have to run some errands in the afternoon and an appointment later on but I'm pretty much free after 20:00.” She said her voice slowing down a bit, they had to wrap it up soon.

 

“Okay well does 20:30 sound good?” He hoped so.

 

“It is I'll see you in the evening, goodnight.” Allura said a bit rushed, he didn't blame her she should be asleep right now.

 

“Okay goodnight Allura.” He was ready to hang up when she stopped him.

 

“Wait! Lance, thank you.” She hanged up, of course she did. It never worked out the way he wanted.

 

_ “Lance, Keith you made it! And only one hour late, can't say I'm not impressed.” Adam said as he walked towards them. _

 

_ “I just want to say that it's all Keith's fault, for once I actually get ready on time but your oh so young boy over here lagged so much.” Lance said dramatizing ever word. _

 

_ “Look my alarm didn't go off, and then the jacket, and the cat on my leg, so it really wasn't my fault.” Keith said arms crossed. _

 

_ “You know I'm playing,” Silence, wow okay guess he really had to bring out the big guns,” I love you.” _

 

_ “I love you too.” Keith said his face turned to the side, bingo. _

 

_ “Well I see the bar table with my favorite bottle of Corralejo, if you need me I'll be with that tall slim beauty.” Lance said, chuckling as he saw Keith's face, purely showing disgust. _

 

_ “Don't drink too much I don't want to have to take care of your drunk ass.” Adam yelled as he kept on walking. _

 

_ Yeah he remembers, Keith told him not to drink, he drank, Keith was like “ I'm disappointed,take care of yourself” and left to teach him a lesson (lame), Adam took care of him, he vomited on his shirt, good times. _

 

_ As headed over the table he saw that Hunk, Nyma, Pidge, Allura, and Corán we already seated and having a variety of drinks. _

 

_ “Hey guys.” Lance said casually as he sat next to Pidge. _

 

_ “Where is Keith?” She said side eyeing him. What was her problem? Not even a ‘Hi Lance’? _

 

_ “ Him and Adam were going over to we're Shiro And Shay are, but I don't know where that is.” He responded, maybe he should've paid more attention, but Corralejo, he hadn't even served himself. _

 

_ “I need to talk to him.” She said as she got up and practically ran through the crowd to locate him. _

 

_ “Okay looking at the rest of you guys, you all don't seem to bat an eye, what's wrong with them?” Lance said as he poured himself a shot. _

 

_ All conversation stopped, everyone avoiding his question. _

 

_ And then Hunk spoke up, he expected it to be him. Nyma never spoke up on any issue unless it was a life or death type of deal, or if she had something to gain, but he doubted that Pidge would tell her, they weren't close at all; Allura all while living to know all the gossip, not only cause she loved gossip but also in order to stay afloat of things, still respected boundaries, and if this was something Pidge told her not to say, she'd die before letting it out; Coran never spoke up, never, he knew how to keep things close to his chest. _

 

_ “It's nothing, Pidge just has something to say to him.” Hunk said as he went to take a drink of his beer. _

 

_ “Really you expect me to believe it's nothing, did you not see how they were acting?” Lance said outraged, and in utter disbelief, did his best friend really think he'd buy that. _

 

_ “I don't expect you to, but that's all I can say.” Another drink of beer and Lance knew that that was all he was gonna get. _

 

_ Great, being kept in the dark by all his friends that's definitely how he wanted tonight to go. And now it was going to be awkward, he knew that they were hiding something and he wouldn't let it go, but they also knew this. That changed nothing. He knew they wouldn't talk. They wouldn't talk despite what he did. What he did, it didn't matter they had made their minds. _

 

_ And then he made the first mistake of the night, he got up from the table, went to the display shelf and pulled out the Jäger. _

 

The walk to the restaurant was nice, peaceful. It was something he missed, something he hadn't enjoyed in a while. 

 

New York City,the city with so many nicknames that it might as well be “the city of nicknames”. But the more he saw, the more he understood. The city in the simplest way he could put it was alive. 

 

The people varied in shape, colour, ethnicity, in every way they were different. Some had eyes similar to those of a child wide and captivated by what surrounded them, those with them, already used to the sight just shared a find smile to themselves. 

 

Others rushed past it all not because they didn't acknowledge the beauty in front of them but because there presence was need elsewhere, but once in awhile something would catch their attention, they'd stop enjoy the sight and rush again.

 

There's always something to marvel at in the city, and Oriande's was no exception. It was a beautiful brick building with an open layout and a certain home feel that he couldn't place.

 

And a wave of familiarity, of nostalgia hit him as he opened the door and heard the same bell from years ago.

 

“Hi welcome to Oriande's table for, Lance! Wait no way, it's you, you fell of the map for a while how have you been?” Was all he heard as he was engulfed in a tight hug. It was Caolàn how could he have forgotten about that Irish ray of sun.

 

“Dear God, Caolàn, I've been good, trust me but we need to catch up.” Lance said candidly.

 

“Well we wouldn't have to catch up if a certain fucker I knew gave me a heads up before he changed numbers.” She said with absolutely no bite in her words, all happiness and joy, he missed her. Seems like lately he's just been exposed to things he missed.

 

He met Caolàn his first year in the Garrison when they were grouped for a “Welcome to the Garrison” project on their first day, but the teacher couldn't get her name right. They went through three tries, “Cay-o-lin? Cah-oh-line? Cah-oh-lin? Cane-olin?” Until she finally stood up and headed to Lance after explaining that the Irish could t spell anything to save their lives and that it was actually pronounced “Key-lin”. 

 

After that they sort of leaned on each other, if one needed something the other would get it for them and vice versa. Both of them had their own strengths and studying together helped them balance out nicely, after she had taken up this job it became his favorite place but after everything happened he had stopped coming as often until he just stopped in all.

 

“I'm sorry.” And he was, he did the mistake of cutting of so many people in his life all because he couldn't man up,it was time to change.

 

“Don't sweat it, you're here now and can't escape me forcing my number on you.” She said as she handed him a slip with her number.

 

“Thank you, it's nice to see you again, I'll text you, we need to catch up.” Lance said as he started searching for an empty table.

 

“Yes, we do need to catch up that's why we're doing it right now.” she said as she grabbed his hand, determination evident.

 

Now don't get him wrong, he loved Caolàn, but he knew she'd demand to know what happen and why he stopped showing and he wasn't sure if he wanted to go through all that right now.

 

“But you're working.” Lance said trying to shake her off.

 

“Julio,” She yelled, soon enough a portly man with a mustache that could rival Citando popped his head out of the kitchen door,” I'm taking my break.”

 

The man nodded and went back into the room without saying a word.

 

“I'm also waiting to meet up with someone.”He said desperately, if this didn't work he didn't know what would.

 

“How long till you're supposed to meet 'em?” She questioned.

 

“Thirty minutes.”

 

“More than enough time, now sit.” She said as she left them to a table that faced the big window in front of the restaurant.

 

“ _ It's time, now sit.” Nyma said as she sat in between of Matt and Axca. _

 

_ Almost everyone was already sitting waiting for whatever was about to happen to happen. The only people missing were Keith, Shiro, and Adam. Coran was there too but not to play but too make sure that things didn't get to out of hand like licking a toilet or something. Because with the amount of alcohol he had he would probably do it. _

 

_ “Time for what?” Lance said is words slurring no matter how hard he tried to make it seem like he was composed. _

 

_ The Jäger was unforgiving, hitting hard and sitting on his stomach like some type of carbo load. He looked around his eyes focusing on Allura and Matt who had joined him on the the Jäger swigs, how did they look so collected? _

 

_ “Truth or Dare.” Nyma said smiling as the whole group groaned. _

 

_ “Obviously I know some of us are in relationships, and I'm not crazy so don't worry,” Upon seeing everyone's faces relax she added, ”But that doesn't mean anything for those of you who are single.”  _

 

_ “Wait how was doing this?” Matt said with no slurring, but everyone took notice at how illiterate the sentence was.  _

 

_ “Well Mathematics we're going to start with me, I'll spin this Coke bottle here,ask which,they'll do it and then they'll spin. Is that clear for everyone?” Nyma asked looking around the circle to make sure everyone nodded their head. _

 

_ “I'm sitting out on this one.” Pidge said as she stood up. _

 

_ “Ah what, Pidge, come on it could be fun.” Hunk said holding her hand. _

 

_ “No thanks,” She leaned in and whispered something to Hunk, his face hardening,” I'll see you guys after the game.” She said now to everyone as she walked over to the table where all the others were. _

 

_ But even after the game started he kept her eyes on Pidge, he knew something was going on and her whispering something into Keith's ear and leading him outside didn't help ease the feeling of discomfort, he felt it, a sinking feeling sitting at the bottom of the stomach worse than the Jäger. _

 

_ He had nearly forgotten about the game until his name was called.  _

 

_ “Okay Lance, truth or dare?” Shay said. _

 

_ “Dare.”  _

 

_ “Have you ever had a crush on anyone within the circle.” Shay said innocently. _

 

_ There it was again. That sinking feeling, his mind registered the question, and had the answer.  That sinking feeling that he just couldn't manage to shake of. _

 

_ But he spoke, mistake. _

 

_ “Allura, throughout the Garrison had a crush on her.” He said sluggish, the alcohol hitting him harder than before. _

 

_ And call him stupid but was Allura blushing? _

 

_ Almost everyone new about his past crush, it wasn't like he tried to hide it, at any chance he had he tried sweet talking her. He really had no shame when it came to liking her. _

 

_ No one really paid him mind and the game kept on going but as it all slowly started to die down he felt dread. _

 

_ “Well that's the end of it guys, take a quick drink or smoke break and we'll regroup for a new game in a bit.” Nyma said as she stood up helped carry Rolo onto the couch. _

 

_ He got up, wobbly, but he still got up. _

 

_ “Lance can I talk to you.” Allura said sluggish, but when he turned back to see her he was in shock. Her eyes were half closed, while she was both red and sweaty. _

 

_ He shouldn't really be surprised, Allura rarely drank, and even when she did it was the softest and tiniest amount. He shouldn't have invited her on the binge drink he was doing earlier. _

 

_ “Sure.” Right after he said it, Allura started heading upstairs, he followed her. _

 

_ She stopped abruptly at the first door on the second floor and then leaned in close,” Is it true?” She whispered. _

 

_ “What?” She was close, he could feel her, how many time had he wished this would happen back in the Garrison? _

 

_ “That you used to like me?”  Allura said. She was beautiful, she always was, anyone could see it. _

 

_ “Yeah.” Why didn't he leave, why didn't he keep his big mouth shut? _

 

_ “You know,” She said, resting her head on his shoulder,”I liked you too.” _

 

_ With that she very difficulty made her way into the room closest to them. _

 

_ He had wanted  her to say that for so long, she was everything he had ever wanted, she was perfect. _

 

_ She was perfect but she had wanted him. _

 

_ Again. _

 

_ That sinking feeling, he should've known it was bound to happen. _

 

_ Because then he made his second mistake of the night, he followed her into the room. _

 

He talked to Caolàn, for a while, of course she had asked about his falling off the grid but when he told her that it was something he'd need more time to explain she let it go with a reassuring smile, pushing him to take his time.

 

But the whole conversation wasn't only about him, Caolàn helped him catch up with her life.

 

Since he last saw her she had gotten married to a guy from the Garrison, Michael, who if he remembers correctly was a “annoying snobby bastard” her words not his.

 

And while she wanted kids, she was waiting till she found a better job before adopting, her own childhood financial issues made her want to make sure that her future kids didn't have to worry about that.

 

Soon enough he saw Allura pass through the window and he knew his time was up.

 

“Well it was nice seeing you again but I just saw the person I was waiting for pass by.” 

 

“I'll be leaving you to it then, but don't be shy with my number. I gave it to you for a reason.” She said as they shared a quick hug goodbye, and before he knew it she was walking back to the kitchen yelling at Julio that she was back.

 

“Good evening Lance.” He heard behind him.

 

“Oh Morning Allura.” He said as he turned to face her, Caolàn did a good job of distracting him but now that she had left all the anxiety came crawling back.

 

“Morning?” She chuckled as she sat across from him.

 

“Evening, sorry it's been a long day.” Lance said as he sat next to her.

 

“I understand, but Lance I hope you know I appreciate this, you trying, and I thank you for reaching out.” Allura sad patting his hand.

 

“I had to, for a long time all of them blamed you and I said nothing, but it wasn't only your fault, I'm to blame to and some did but they didn't blame me as much as they did you. I mean no one talks to you and that's just unfair.” Lance said, shaking, trying to get as much out in a limited time.

 

A sniffle, he looked up to see one of the strongest woman he knew cry,” It hurt. To have my closest friends, people I considered family turn their backs on me. I know we made  a mistake and I'm so sorry and I never got to tell Keith, and I just want to tell him that he deserved to be happy and that I'm sorry I took that from him.” Eyes full of tears and remorse.

 

“I'm such a lightweight but I still drank and after the game I don't know what happened, I didn't want to sleep with you. I just entered the room and let it happen, I got lost in the want ifs that I didn't think that those didn't matter anymore I was with him and I was happy. I love him, and it took so much to earn his trust and I shattered that so quickly.” He said, it was his turn to cry.

 

But after that it seemed like the room got brighter, the tension and anxiety caused by the unknowing of what the other would say dispersed, they were safe.

 

Soon the conversation started picking up both of them sharing what they had been up the past few years and while Allura had clearly been productive she spoke if it in as way that made sure Lance's own smaller achievements weren't made less.

 

While Allura quickly answered and email from her job he felt himself being blinded by some light, moving out of the way he sees it's Allura's family ring. A beautiful twisted white gold with a central diamond surrounded by sapphires.

 

_ He doesn't remember much after following her into room. _

 

_ He was lost in his own mind, but he knew that he was with someone but he didn't know, everything hurt, and he felt himself cry. _

 

_ He glanced down and saw that damn ring, the same ring he had accidentally lost a few months back and had wasted countless hours to find, the same ring that he had taken to polish as a first birthday gift, the same ring that belonged to his best friend; his best friend Allura. _

 

_ A flash of light hits him, but he doesn't pay it any mind, believing it to just be another figment or effect of all the booze he'd taken. Never noticing Pidge walking out, going to find Keith, not only feeling shocked and offended but disgusted as well. _

 

_ He woke up the next morning, Allura not with him when he woke, he walked downstairs and saw Adam serving himself a cup of coffee. _

 

_ “He left didn't he?” Lance said his voice still groggy. _

 

_ “Around 2, didn't say anything though, just left.” Adam responded, Lance didn't miss the way that he seemed to look anywhere but him. _

 

_ “I'mma get going then, again congratulations.” He said as he quickly walked over to the door. _

 

_ “Keith means alot to both me and Shiro you know? I haven't told Shiro, But you better go home and hope he's as collected as I am.” Adam said as he closed the door behind him, it didn't take a genius to know what he was talking about. _

 

_ But he didn't go home, he couldn't. He knew Keith deserved to know what happened, he deserved the truth but how could he bring himself to do it. _

 

_ He wondered around town for hours, at the park, the mall, the plaza, anywhere but where he should be going. Soon enough 19:30 passed and he knew he could take hold of any longer. _

 

_ The walk home was agonizing,he kept on trying to find a way to say it in the most harmless way possible, he couldn't find a way too. _

 

_ And when he opened the apartment door everything fell, Keith was on the couch, a picture frame in hand. He wasn't crying, but Lance didn't need that to know that he was in pain so he cried instead. _

 

_ “Keith?” He said as gently as he could. _

 

_ He walked towards the couch and kneeled in front of him trying to catch his eye. _

 

_ “Talk to me, please?” _

 

_ “What do you want me to say?” Keith said in a tone Lance had never heard, defeat. _

 

_ And with that he knew it was over. _

 

Something snaps him out of his mind.He doesn't understand what draws his attention to the window but he picks up his head and looks.

 

A pair of eyes and a flash of violet.

 

_ His violet, Keith. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. You Only Came to Dawn the News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad angst hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back cause if you haven't noticed my schedule is total shit but I'll try and be more consistent enjoy.

The walk back to the house was depressing at most, so much so that even the dog felt it. Walking side by side with his new owner and keeping shut, Keith had enough noise playing, in his mind for Kosmo to stir up more.

 

He was with her and if anything he should be happy, he knew how much Lance had chased after her, and now they were finally together. He should have been happy, he shouldn't have run. He had ran away once before he shouldn't have again he had to come to terms with it eventually.

 

It all echoed. Him seeing them together and all the broken promises that fell between them. It was years ago but it didn't mean that every scenario of what could have been didn't come and haunt him when he was most vulnerable.

 

Haunting him at times like these.

 

He'd couldn't truly be mad at Lance for this, for cheating yes, but for moving on no. He did what Keith didn't have the guts to do, not only because he didn't want to drag another person just to end up leaving them broken along with everyone else, but he also couldn't forget.

 

He was dying, from a disease that focused on making him forget everything and still that was the thing his mind desperately clinged onto. In one way or another his mind found a way of keeping it there.

 

Like a dream that wouldn't leave, you never remember the specifics but it's there in the back of your mind. bugging you, begging you to remember and to call them back out.

 

Walking back to the house, now through main streets, was even worse. He couldn't bring up memories anymore but the feeling of nostalgia was all the same. A beautiful burgundy, warm and soft making him feel at home, and a gentle blue pulling and making him feel alive.

 

And then he was home and he could let the reality of everything sink in.

 

Opening the door another wave could be felt, ready to crash into him, but instead of the silence he wanted he was met with the sound of Adam's desperate screams.

 

“What the fuck is that!” Adam said jumping into the couch,” We told you to go out for dinner not a whatever that is!”

 

Keith said nothing he just sat down and let the dog lay on his lap.

 

He didn't have to say anything, the dog was staying, and Adam would throw his fit regardless so why not just wait it out?

 

“Adam, what's wrong?” Shiro said as he walked downstairs upon hearing Adam's shrieks for help.  _ It's always something in this Goddamn house. _

 

“Keith,” Before Adam could finish explaining the dog had jumped onto the couch to examine Adam. And before both of them knew what was happening Adam was rushing upstairs dropping Shiro on the way to the safety of his room.

 

“Kosmo come here boy,” Keith said as the large dog made his way happily to were Keith was still seated. It wasn't easy getting by Shiro, the man payed attention to everything and today was no exception, Shiro immediately noticed something was off, all while Keith seemed calm and composed he had known him long enough to see past it, the way his foot tapped almost spasmodic, along with how he kept petting the dog in a timed pattern, his fingers moving as if he were playing the piano, something he did when his anxiety flared up.

 

The piano. He had gotten rid of it a year after Keith disappeared, he had tried learning to play it. To attempt keeping a part of Keith with them but he couldn't. No one could.

 

“Otōto, what's wrong?” Shiro said as he carefully moved towards him, sitting across from him and petting the dog with him.

 

_ Otōto, it had been a while.  _

 

“Shouldn’t you be asking why I brought the dog here.” Keith said, his voice cold,quick, and sharp, but also broken. It was a Keith standard move, instead of addressing the problem he'd rather shift to something else. Especially if that something could make them made at him so he could pretend like they didn't care.

 

“We can always deal with Kosmo later, and I know that you're already attached. I won't make you get rid of him. But I know something's wrong and i'd be damned to let you start bottling things up after we just got you back.” Silence, “Talk to me.” Shiro said pleadingly.

 

He didn't want to talk, he never did but knowing Shiro he was going to manage to get it out of him one way or another, but he would drag it out for as long as he could.

 

He shouldn't have to say anything, he shouldn't feel forced to say anything. But it wasn't a choice he had anymore, he owed it to him after leaving, after breaking him, after being so horrible, he owed it to him.

 

“I, do you still talk to Lance?” Keith said his eyes glued to the floor. Upon hearing that name Shiro's face hardened, the flash of the boys past actions souring his mood.

 

He didn't need to ask Shiro anything to know why his whole face had changed, he hadn't forgotten what transpired between him and Lance. How could he? 

 

“No, after everything happened everyone went separate ways. I,” His voice cracked  _ control yourself Takashi, _ ” While you you were gone, when you left. Everyone took it differently. Pidge, Hunk, Shay among the rest choose sides and tension between the groups grew. Lance thankfully kept his distance. Adam and I didn't take it as well as we should.”

 

_ Disappointment and shame _ . It was clearly laced through his voice each word dripping with both of them. He could see the pain he felt admitting it; his fists clenching; his shoulders shaking; his head hanging with shame in a way that Keith had never seen him do before.

 

_ Because of you, are you proud? Of the way that you keep on finding ways to crush them? _

 

“I didn't take it as well as I should have. You're my brother, you disappear and I cracked leaving Adam to fend for himself, I need to apologize. I never thought of how this also affected him having to lose someone he saw as his kid and having to care for his fiance while keeping face? It couldn't have been easy.” Shiro said, the guilt weighing him the more he thought about the pain he caused Adam.

 

“I made a mess didn't I?” Keith said sounding closer to a whisper.

 

He knew he did, Shay had told him in the sweetest way she could but he got the gist. The mess if his relationship had broken everyone else apart and it was his fault, if he hadn't had been so rash, if he hadn't had been so stupid, if he could just think with a clear mind for once.

 

“You did but it was within your right, you're old enough to do as you please. Especially after what he did.” Shiro prided himself off being a pretty nice and understanding but if there was one thing he could never get past was someone messing with his family. 

 

The all new that, everyone in the group, if anything that was one of the reasons Shiro was so mad about the whole situation, it was Lance, someone he had trusted, even when Adam voiced his doubt, Shiro had put his hands in the fire for him. He was wrong.

 

“I saw him.” Keith said he hugged himself. Kosmo quickly trying to get him to pet him again.  _ Smart dog _ .

 

“Keith-” 

 

“On the way to Oriande's, and he was there with her, I mean I don't know what I expected, he obviously would take the chance to be with her but, it hurt to relieve everything.” He said, any thought of playing strong forgotten, as he felt the tears start rushing down his face.

 

He hated crying, being put in the system taught him that those who cried were the weakest. Tears were a sign of how strong you were. The less you cried the better it was for you.

 

“Don't cry over him,” Shiro said as he pulled him into a hug, Kosmo thankfully moving out of the way,” He's not worth it.”

 

“But he was, even when I stop remembering, he still will be, I wouldn't have been with  him if I didn't know that.” Keith said sobbing into his shirt.

 

Shiro stopped and pushed Keith away, realization clouding his eyes.

 

“That's why you came back?” Shiro said tears threatening to fall as he gripped Keith's shoulders.

 

“A year before you left, when we went to the hospital, when you told me you were fine, you weren't were you?” He said as he started shaking.

 

“I told them not to tell anyone, they said it wasn't anything big, that I shouldn't worry, it was only this year that they realized it was a bigger problem then they had initially thought.” Keith said broken. Each word he managed to push out was fractured and shaken.

 

“I didn't know what to do it was a year after I had left I couldn't just come back and drop a load like that on you guys, I just couldn't.” He said as he looked down shaking his head slightly.

 

_ “Shiro I'm telling you it wasn't even that bad.” Keith said as he crossed his arms over his chest, he really did look like a child. _

 

_ “So you holding your head while screaming and crying while Lance watched isn't 'that bad’, right?” Shiro said knowing that he was right, with no possible room for argument. _

 

_ All he got as a response was a pouty Keith, what a child, and to think that maybe he would be a bit mature, foolish. _

 

_ “It'll be quick, just so the doctor can put my old man mind to ease, okay?” Shiro said, trying to coax approval out of his brother. _

 

_ “Uhhhhhhhhh, I hate you.” Was the only response he got. _

 

_ “I'll take that as a yes then.” Shiro said smugly. Of course he had to say it smugly, as if he hadn't already won, no, that wasn't enough he just needed to rub it in. _

 

_ “I hate you.” He said as the pulled into the parking lot. _

 

_ “But do you really?” Shiro chuckled. _

 

_ “Hmmmmm.” _

 

_ They waited in the waiting room for almost two hours and by the time the nurse had called him into one of the rooms he was at the end of any patience he possibly had.  _

 

_ “Well it all seems good but we're noticing a bit of swelling in the left eye.” The doctor said as he continued to mark things on the papers on his clipboard. _

 

_ “That should be fine right?” Keith asked, desperate to leave this place.  _

 

_ “We want to take some tests, if that's alright.” The doctor asked, sounding more like a command than an actual query. _

 

_ “Why?” The agitation clear in his voice. _

 

_ The doctor pulled a little flashlight and pointed it at Keith's right eye. His eye moving along as he moved the flashlight. _

 

_ “How does that feel?”  _

 

_ “Fine. Normal.” _

 

_ “Now how does it feel in this eye.” He said as he switched over the flashlight onto the left eye. _

 

_ It felt fine for a second or two and then he felt the pounding starting from the back of his head and spreading to throughout. The pain so intense that he didn't even realized that he had started screaming. _

 

_ He felt himself being laid down as the light moved away from his eye. Then he felt an ice pack on his head and the pain slowly started to fade away. _

 

_ “I'm sorry if it hurt to much Mr.Kogane but I insist that we further examine this.” _

 

_ He wanted to say no, he wanted to go home and reassure Lance that it was nothing and that the checkup went fine. He knew that if he agreed to the examination he'd have to acknowledge that something was wrong. _

 

_ “I do believe we should inform Me.Shirogane as well.” _

 

_ “No!,” The doctor quickly looked at him, eyes wide with shock,” I'll do the test but just don't tell him anything about anything.” _

 

_ “I would suggest for you to at least tell your brother something, maybe not everything but something.”  _

 

_ “I don't have to tell him anything I'm way over eighteen to have to tell anyone anything, let's get these test done with so that I can go home.”  _

 

_ Two more hours, thirty minutes for the test and the rest to wait for the results, and all of them to say it was a minor problem easily fixed with pain relievers and anti-inflammatories. _

 

_ They were wrong but how could he have known that. _

 

_ “Well, look at that, Keith arises, he finally arrived. What took you so long ?” Shiro said as he placed the magazine he had been reading back onto the counter. _

 

_ “Nothing,” He should of thought of an excuse, welp let's see what comes out,” He just wanted to convince me to come for another check up but it's fine.” Okay. Not to bad. _

 

_ “Keith.” Shiro said disappointingly. _

 

_ “I know you want me to come for the check up but, look, I'm fine it's just some swelling. Some medicine and then I'll be back to normal so just calm down.”  _

 

_ “Fine, I just want you to be fine.” Shiro said as they started walking outside. _

 

_ “I am fine.” _

 

_ “Also Adam would kill me if anything happened to you.” Shiro said thinking back to when he let Keith go to the park by himself, dark times, dark times indeed. _

 

_ “Even if it wasn't your fault?” Keith said knowing that Adam would murder someone three hundred miles away just cause he thought they insulted him. _

 

_ “Even if it isn't my fault.” Shiro said as they finally arrived at their car,” But if anything does happen or you feel worse you'd tell me, or atleast get it checked right?”  _

 

_ “I will.” _

 

_ “Pinky promise?” Shiro said as he started up the car. _

 

_ “You're such a kid.” He said as he dodged the promise, promises were things he simply didn't like, especially this one. If something did happen he wouldn't check it, it's just who he is. _

 

_ “You didn't promise.”  _

 

_ “I don't have to.” _

 

_ “ Look, I can force you to do anything at the end of the day it's your choice but do it for Lance, for me, for Adam and most importantly you. Do it for yourself, please.” Shiro said as they finally bridged onto the highway. _

 

_ “I will.” _

 

_ And it stayed like that, they went home and Adam ranted for an hour about how Keith better take his medicine or else, and then he went back home and Lance took him out ask a “Celebration You Aren't Dying” dinner.  _

 

_ It was a good day, it was. _

 

Now he was here. 

 

And no matter how good life before was he couldn't go back, and even if he could he wouldn't. He made the right call, he still believed he did. And because of this he met Ismael and his family, Iris and Romelle, and ofcourse Abdul.

 

He was breaking, but this time it was hard to show it, broken. No one to help him patch up this time, and even if he did would they notice? He had stopped showing if anything affected him since he entered the army. Emotion while not looked down on was not encouraged.

 

He wasn't a monster though. It hurt him, the thought of leaving people who cared for him, who worried. It hurt him to come back just to have to say goodbye once again. It hurt, cause he had missed him to and he didn't want to go he didn't want to leave, he didn't want to leave them alone anymore.

 

He didn't want to be alone.

 

Even when he thought he was, was he? When he left he had everyone in his squadron, when he came to visit he had his mom and Shay. And when he only had himself at night, he had his colours his range of soft or fierce coloured memories. Engulfed in warmth or cold, but regardless if which it was always welcoming.

 

A soft blue. 

 

He missed it.

 

_ His  _ soft blue. 

 

He knew it was his, but still he couldn't help but be calmed by it, happy. Happiness was strange now a days, when did you meet someone who actually seemed happy, content, at peace even. You don't, and those who are truly are the lucky ones, the avoid the whole that the rest find themselves in.

 

Keith's a red a beautiful, bright type of red the exact opposite of the calming soothing blue that he often turned to.

 

Even now he didn't have his memories to try and soothe him, to try and keeping his mind at ease.

 

He was alone.

 

“Why, why?” Shiro said shaking Keith violently and then he stopped, and collapsed.

 

_ And now you're gonna leave them alone too. _

 

It takes him a while to answer, because how do you even answer that? How do you tell the man that raised you, the man that helped you believe again, the man that convinced you years ago that life worth fighting for. That waking up everyday and pushing through till you made it wasn't a complete waste of time.

 

How do you tell one of the people who loves you more than they love themselves that you're about to die and that there's no way out?

 

“I'm sorry.” That's all he manages to push out.

 

And it's not because he doesn't care, and it's not because he doesn't have anything else to say. It's simply because it doesn't matter, not now.

 

He already broke him, and Shiro wasn't going to be the only one. 

 

_ It's all your fault. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. We Can Only Grow From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shay spilling the tea? More likely than you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm here, after dying for a month. I'm just busy, i McSwear.

 

People like him didn't dream, even during his early childhood dreams just weren't something that came to him. Dreams just weren't real, well they were but if no one had told him what they where, and that most people experience them he would of thought that his colourless and cold sleep was normal.

 

The one thing he did have in his sleep was sensation and sound, feeling, noise, but nothing but a plain black background to back it up. Sensation. Even he had to admit it was a bit weird but it was there and he held onto it. It was the only thing he could hold onto, yes maybe his dreams were a bit off but they were dreams and they helped him feel normal.

 

He only had three dreams, all of them varied in what they were and the sounds that he was exposed to during said dreams.

 

The first one was now in recent years the most common on one, and if he already did not dream in colour he knew that this dream would be pitch black, cold, and isolated. In here the sound was very minimal but if you really focused and listened then you could here mumbling someone talking, and that made him all the more desperate to know what they were saying. The voice was incredibly mumbled but it was just so that you couldn't understand a thing but once in awhile a word or two would be understandable enough for him to be able to piece together.But that's all the dream was, a broken piece it had no meaning it was simply meant to make him feel more alone and desperate, it was meant to put him on edge, to drive him mad.

 

The second one was chaotic, but in a weird and perhaps even disturbing way he felt at peace. Don't get him wrong he still felt on edge but it was more of an adrenaline rush type of feel then the one before.  Having had this dream more often he had figured out that he was in a restaurant but he couldn't figure out if he was a customer or a worker. Perhaps it was both, the voice of someone asking him to grab a menu and a voice asking him what he wanted to drink flooded his mind but he still couldn't manage to figure it out.

 

The last one used to be typical, common, it had a seemingly lo-fi feel to it and it put him at ease, while these used to common, soon after Keith’s disappearance they became rare, a delicacy. It was Keith’s voice after all, although then more time that passed the less confident he felt that it was actually Keith's voice, giving everything a  bittersweet feel, what they talk about is never the same the topic always changes and he hates himself for not being able to recall if they were discussions that they had had before or if they were just something that his mind had stirred up to make it feel like it was real. And while the dream was laid out as a conversation he never spoke, he never heard his voice, he could feel it, like if he had answered but he never spoke, regardless the conversation carried on per usual.

 

He was having that dream right now, it was so rare that even now he knew he was dreaming. The only difference was that he knew this conversation, he knew it inside and out, could recite line by line with the same hurt that Keith felt. And still somehow it was all so calm so soothing he felt the pain and anxiety under his skin but he could do nothing just like now.

 

He was stuck.

 

Stuck in a weird limbo that he couldn't figure out, he had yet to apologize to Allura for such an abrupt end to their meeting, and he had yet to tell anyone the Keith was here. He was back, and it wasn't just his imagination.

 

He had to talk to someone, he figured that Hunk was the only person he could tell, plus itd sound less crazy if he told him, he had told him before about having seen him at the wedding.

 

“Hunk?” He said as the rings stopped.

 

“Yeah.” Hunk said from the other side.

 

“I know you're gonna think i lost it or something but i swear what i'm about to tell you is true and you just need to listen okay?” _Great going, he definitely won't think you're a lunatic now._

 

“Okay, okay, just calm down you're starting to make me worried.”

 

“I saw Keith, and I swear he's here. I was with Allura and he passed by the restaurant and he left but it was him Hunk.”

 

“Oh Lance.” _Condescending,_ **_pity._ **

 

Before he could respond he heard another voice, faint but there,” Who is it?” A girls voice, Shay’s no doubt, Hunk was never known to be surrounded by the ladies.

 

“Its Lance.”

 

“Hunk don't tell her!”

 

“Buddy it's nothing bad, plus she might be able to help you.”

 

“ Huuuuuuuuunk” To no avail, _backstabber._

 

“He says he saw Keith, first at Romelle’s wedding and then yesterday outside some restaurant.” Silence, that's not good, now Shay is gonna think hes crazy too.

 

“Hunk can you go check the biscuits I’ll talk to him.” Shay said her voice getting louder as she went to take the phone from Hunk’s hands.

 

After a few seconds she spoke, “ Lance I'm gonna say this once and once only, you did not see Keith.” Cold and firm, but something made him want to push more.

.

“But i did.” He said with as much confidence as he could muster up.

 

“You didn't, you saw wrong, it was an illusion, a look alike, anything but it wasn't him.” Shay said, her voice wavering, not having expected the confidence she was faced with, it had been a while.

 

“ I did, why are you so insistent? Why do you keep on pushing so hard?” Lance questioned, if she knew something, anything she wanted to know. He knew that the only other person who would know anything would be Pidge and he was sure as hell that he would get nothing out of them, but if he could get anything it'd be a start.

 

“Im not im just, fuck”, She whispered,” Look, I, God how'd id get sucked into this?”

 

“Sucked into what? Shay please just say it.” He was desperate,if he could just talk to him, just talk that's all, just to move on.

 

‘I-, man i have a lot of explaining to do, but it has to be in person, I can't risk Hunk hearing anything.”

 

“You can come over to my place.”

 

“Yeah that'd be best, i'll be there in at least fifteen minutes.” Shay said rushed and low, the secrecy of it all putting his mind at one hundred miles an hour.

 

“I’ll be waiting for you then.” Lance said strangely calm.

 

“And Lance.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Don't tell Hunk, please.”

 

“I won't.” And that was the last thing said as the both hung up.

 

He had fifteen minutes to kill. Time was funny to him, he remembered having long talks with Pidge over what time was. The only thing he remembered from all those conversations was just one line that managed to stick with him “Time is a construct of the human perspective.” It really was. He wondered so often if Keith remembered their time together, if he ever looked back at what they used to be, if he did that just like he did.

 

All this time he spent based in the past, he let himself so distanced from reality, it was time to come back and move on just like Keith had, he made the right choice in leaving there was nothing to do but support him and follow suit. Shay was his ticket to a new and fresh start, it was his fault to have let all of it take him this far but now he'd just start over. He had to start branching out to all the people he'd let fall off the grid, including his family the only person he had talked to recently was Veronica and that's because she had hunted him down.

 

And that was three months ago.

 

So much had happened since the last time he had talked to his whole family; Veronica came out and had brought her girlfriend to meet the family, what was her name, Axe, or something like that; Marco had gotten engaged to Jessica, finally, he thought he'd just keep skipping around it forever; his twin Sofia had gotten a tattoo and no one in the family knew if it was because she was going over some crisis or if she got it cause she actually wanted it, regardless his parents had made a savings account for a tattoo removal just in case; and Luis was still the same, nothing could change that man.

 

So much changed pero la vida sigue.

 

“Lance Im outside, open the door” Fifteen minutes had passed already, fifteen minutes and he had done nothing, his house was a mess, time for the good ol’ shuck it and truck it method.( AKA stuffing everything under the bed, the hallway closet and the couch)

 

“Going.” He said as he continued pushing all the clothes out of sight, it took a minute or so but he was sure that Shay would still be impatient one way or the other, might as well take more time to look presentable.

 

“Finally.” She said with relief as she entered and placed her purse on the couch. He could tell that they were gonna skip all greetings and five right in.

 

“Let's get right to it, sit with me, you're gonna want to.” She said as she pat the spot next to her. _Knew it. Wait._

 

 _“_ What do you mean want to?” He questioned

 

“Just sit first.” She commanded, so he did.

 

“I don't even know what to say, if I'm honest.” She said laying her head on her hands.

 

“Well, just, did I actually see him?”

 

“I don't know for sure, it could of been a mistake but you were right Keith is here, he came back a week ago.” And that was it.

 

He wasn't crazy, and that was the most relieving thing, he was right, he was here. It was bittersweet.

 

Warmth in a dark space. Had Keith seen him? If so, is that why he ran? Or was it for another reason? Could he really not stand the idea of being near him?

 

“ I understand that he wouldn't want me to know but how bout everyone else, how bout Shiro?” The more he knew the more questions that sprouted up. But he knew that bombarding Shay with questions wasn't going to do anything for him, it wasn't gonna give him any of the answers for sure. He'll start with this first one, one of the most important ones.

 

“I don't know who he has told, take in mind that he didn't want anyone knowing, and he hasn't texted me since last week.”

 

“Since last week, wait, you have his number?” She tensed up immediately.

 

“I-I do.” She said softly.

 

“So you knew, you knew this whole time.” Disbelief, out of all of them, he really never thought it'd be Shay. Anger, out of all of them, he really never thought it'd be Shay to lie to all of them. Confusion, out if all of them, why Shay?

 

“I did along with Pidge but I'm sure I didn't need to tell you that.” She assured.

 

“You knew, why didn't you say anything, to me, to Hunk, to Shiro, Adam anyone?” Lance said his voice starting to rise, he didn't mean to but it seemed to be the only thing he could think of.

 

“Calm down, you have no right to demand anything, if I'm telling you anything it's because it's time you knew, especially with,” _Find the words Shay,”_ circumstances.”

 

“Fine but why'd he come back now?”

 

“That I don't think I can tell you, and don't try anything I won't tell you regardless of what you try.”

 

“Just, tell me, when did you figure were he was, how long did you know.”

 

“ A year after he went missing, and before you ask I didn't figure it out by myself Pidge called me, said her dad had found a Keith Kogane thought the deep files, the discards were all the used names go to die. He went as Callum Keith Shirogane, not the smartest name. Callum, his dad's name, Keith his own name, and Shirogane after his brother. It wasn't that hard it took her longer to think of who she was going to tell.” She said chuckling towards the end.

 

“Guess she chose the right person.”

 

“I'd hope so, although I doubt he'd be happy knowing I'm telling this to anyone, especially you.”

 

“I have to see him.”

 

“I know, but you really shouldn't. Truth be told I'm just confused, I know you need to see him, I also think you should, but I also think you shouldn't, that you should wait but I know you won't.” She said her brows tensed and furrowed.

 

“I can't wait, we waited long enough in my opinion.”

 

“I'll help you, but, you need to let me manage it, it's not a matter of 'Im gonna pipe in and add my own thing here and there’ Keith, he's still delicate, he's not going to expect it so I need you to let me do this.” She was begging, desperate at this point, any foul move and it would all come down.

 

Keith would never seek out Lance on his own, even now he'd hold it out for as long as possible. One of his flaws, even now he'd let his pride get in the way, he'd hide,run, anything just to not have to face everything that bothers him, an absolute idiot.

 

“What do you mean, what are you going to do?” Lance asked, the determination in her voice enough to shake him.

 

“I'm gonna call him he's bound to answer, and if not I have a mutual friend I'll have her call him,I know for a fact that he’ll answer her. Well go to wherever we arrange the meeting and I'll go with you or my friend will and we will just have to force him to talk. It's not perfect but any means but it's a plan.”

 

Lying, he was no stranger to it but to do it now, it felt wrong, it was wrong. He couldn't.

 

“I can't do that Shay,” Upon see her shocked expression he rushed to expand on it,” Please, just, I'm gonna see him after so long and the first thing I do is lie? I can't do that Shay, I can't.” Memories kept on flooding.

 

_“Morning babe, today's Shiro's party right?”_

 

_“Lance it's been an hour, no skin care can possibly be that long!”_

 

_“I'm going, I just can't find my jacket anywhere and Red is clawing onto my leg.”_

 

_“I love you too.”_

 

_“Lance?”_

 

_“What's there to say!”_

 

_“You promised.”_

 

_“Y-You promised.”_

 

“Hey, Lance, are you okay.” Shay said, a hand his shoulder, and worry written all over her face.

 

“Yeah,yeah why wouldn't I be.”

 

“Lance,” She started softly, always a bad sign especially if it came from someone as blunt as her,” You're um.” She finished of as she signaled to her eyes.

 

_Oh, tears._

 

“Im fine it's just I was remembering that night, I already put him through so much I can't lie to him now. I need to call him and if he wants to meet up than fine, if not then it's his choice I'll be happy just knowing he had the chance to choose.”

 

“Well I can't say no to that, I'll give you his number, but you have to promise to take it slow and not rush him or pressure him or anything.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And absolutely no questions, you're not allowed to ask him about anything not even a hey how are you okay. Absolutely nothing.”

 

“I promise I won't.”

 

“And-”

 

“Shay, please you're making me more nervous then I already am.” Lance said as shakily went to unlock his phone.

 

“Here,” She said as she pulled up Keith's contact on her phone,” you can text or call him but I would recommend calling him. If you text he might think it's a joke we have to keep it as believable as possible.”

 

“Thank you.” But he couldn't bring himself to press call.

 

He was scared he wouldn't dare lie about that to himself. Just a call away was his voice after so many years he'd hear him, after so many years he had forgotten how nervous Keith could get him, although the stakes did seem to be way higher now.

 

“So are you gonna call, or are you just going to continue to stare into the void you've focused on?” Shay said, some of her good Ol’ sass poking through.

 

“I am, I need to be alone, please.” Lance said beggingly, he couldn't do it with her in the room, not when they eyes were staring.

 

“Sure, just take it easy okay? I'm just a call away if you need anything, were in this together now.” She said as she gathered her things and left.

 

The eyes were everywhere.

 

They were clouding, taking up all the space they could, every inch of the room was covered. It was starting all over again, the doubt, the self pity, the procrastination. He felt it, a disease, spreading till it killed him, plaguing him again just like before. That button, it was just that a button but he couldn't. It was starting all over again the tension, the anger, the sadness washing over him pulling him under without a way out.

 

It was pathetic.

 

It was over the phone, it was the coward version of owning up and finding him and he still couldn't. It was a click, it was getting the frog out of his throat and being able to speak, to say the right words, to build up and say _I'm sorry._

 

The eyes are already watching, the eyes are already judging, they eyes will stay.

 

So might as well call.

 

Three rings is what it takes for him to answer.

 

“ _Hello?”_ It was his voice, it sounded the same, why did he think it would've changed? Well, everything has changed, everything kept on changing, why wouldn't he?

 

“Keith?” He manages to stutter it out.

 

A gasp, a gasp is the only thing he needs to hear to understand that he knows.

 

_He hasn't forgotten._

 

**_Not yet._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	13. From Sea to Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirteen is my favorite number so i wanted to make this chapter special.  
> So yeah take it, I wanted to post on the thirteenth but I'm to impatient

He gasps.

 

He had a dream once, one that felt so familiar but at the same time, the more he raked his brain the more frustrated he was that he could come up with nothing. He knew who it was though, a soft calming blue filled up the room, it was soothing like it had always been but something was different the red of his person turning burgundy, then black dying out; the once soft blue darkening with each pulse until he turned navy. He knew the conversation, didn't he? Did he? It was starting to slip by him, the exact words, but the pain stayed the same. The sorrow, the regret dragging his eyes closed urging him to give up, he persisted.

 

The voice on the other end of the phone sparked up that same familiarity, he knew who this was, even now he was hard to forget. Still, part of him resisted whispering in the back of his mind to hang up, it was an unknown number after all, he never answered those, why did he choose to now? The urge got stronger, the itch infesting his hand were the phone was still being gripped onto, the grip getting tighter, his knuckles white, his head spinning, sweat forming, eyes watering-

 

“I'm sorry” He said, soft, timid almost. Keith couldn't even bring himself to say his name, he felt it clawing its way up his throat begging to come out, to spill, to overflow. Release and spread itd all come out itd all haunt him again, he couldn't risk it, he wouldn't. But he was caving, the tenderness in his voice the sorrow in each syllable making him weak, sympathetic. And he hated himself for wanting to believe it, for wanting to believe him.

 

He's been silent for too long, he feels it weighing down on him the more he stays quiet the more the situation struggles against him, the more it gets out of control, and that's something he absolutely can't risk. The possibility had head spinning but he can't let himself steer of course. Especially now, that his voice has clogged itself on his throat and the only thing wanting to come out his name.

 

“Lance.” And it spills over. Lance loved the ocean, he never understood the appeal, the pull that the other felt. He understood now, the pull between the two was because they were one in the same. And now he was seeing the other side of it despite all it's beauty if you get to invested, if you go to far in it'll take you under, drowning. He was too far gone.

 

“Keith.” And it took his breath away, he had forgotten the feeling of it all, how it felt for him to say his name. It was stupid, it was ridiculous how much he missed for him to say it again, how much he hoped he would do it.

 

“How?” And that's all he can choke out cause they're million questions that he wants to say but he can't and that was the only one that he could say. It was simple to say the least, and he was curious so why not? He had seen him at the restaurant but you can't get information from that, and he didn't know anyone who'd say. So the question remained, how?

 

“I can't say, I don't think they'd be happy if I did.”

 

“There's only two people with my number, I'll figure either way.” Shay and Pidge, and he knew deep down that if anyone was to break it'd be Shay, she was already doing so much by keeping from Hunk and everyone else, just a bit of begging would have her cracking.

 

“It was Shay wasn't it?” Silence is all he needs to know he guessed right, he wasn't mad though, he understood, but he wasn't ready. If anything he was disappointed that she didn't let him do this with his own time, it was too late now.

 

“I'm sorry but I saw you passing Oriande's and I told Shay and she overheard and I couldn't just shake off the feeling that she knew something. I had to talk to you, I had to.”  _ Right, Oriande's.  _ How could he forget that, remember, he moved on so did you, remember.

 

“Why?” It came out colder than he wanted, he was a bit hurt, it was stupid he knew that, but he felt it. A pain right in his heart digging through and rising paining him, thinking of Lance with her, pure pain. Jealousy, all over love.  _ Love? _ He's really stupid isn't he? If Adam was here to see this pathetic display he’d drag him  outside and whoop his ass and have Kosmo and Shiro watch.

 

“Keith, please, just one meet up, and I'll never bother you ever again, please?” He sounded so tired, so given up, so desperate. But he couldn't, or could he? He'd spent so much time skipping around everything, around everyone, maybe it was time to finally let part of this go, he wasn't going to get much more time to do so,might as well do it now.

 

“Lance, you really don't change.”

 

“I'd say its part of my appeal,” A hint of what he once was,” But c'mon how about it just once, and if you want leave you can just give me the chance.” Before he went back to his pleading tone. He sounded like a door to door salesman, same item different pitch.

 

“I-fine,”  _ You can't keep hiding, coward,”  _ When and where?”

 

“Really?” Not happiness, not shock, just disbelief. He'd have the same reaction if he was in his shoes.

 

“Yes, now say before I actually think about what I'm doing.” Regret was the only thing flashing through his mind, was it too late to hang up now?

 

It was.

 

“Yeah, okay, um, lets see how about tomorrow at 18:30, is Mortveli's okay?”  _ Mortveli's? _ Smart move, or maybe not, it was were they went when Lance gave him the keys to there then shared apartment. Lately it was just a trip down memory lane, and he honestly couldn't say if he liked it or not.

 

“That's fine, I'll see you then.” He went to hang up but Lance spoke before he could.

 

“Keith, I'm sorry.” Soft, he had always been, but he wasn't going to let him slip this time. So he hung up.

 

It was a lot to take in, what was he supposed to do, what was he supposed to say? How was he even going to get to Mortveli's? He couldn't just go up to Shiro and Adam and be like  _ “ Hey you guys remember Lance? Yeah the one you hate and the one that Adam has been throwing darts at? Well he found my number and I need a ride to go meet him so wanna take me?” _

 

Even he knew that it was a complete death wish, Shiro would pretend it was okay and then follow him and murder Lance, and Adam would kill him, go to the restaurant and kill Lance. It was a lose-lose situation that he didn't want to take part of it,he was sure that Lance would appreciate that not happening as well.

 

He'd have to get his old bike, hopefully it'd still work. He had his mom continue paying the storage, not because he thought he'd ever come back to New York, but because he wanted to have it send to him. It was his first bike after all, he couldn't let it go that easily, and even if he did Shiro would kill him instantly. He could already hear him saying,  _ “First you steal my bike and now you just abandon it?! You could've just given it back.” _

 

He needed to get it now, if he went out for it tomorrow he'd run late or just not do it at all, which didn't sound like that bad of an idea. Just don't go. He couldn't do that now, if he had more time maybe, but now it was about time he at least tried clearing things up.

 

“Adam?!” He called out from his room.

 

“Keith come get your dog!”  _ Again with the dog. _ Honestly Kosmo did nothing, he could go to scratch himself and Adam would swear up and down that the poor dog was plotting his murder.

 

“He don't bite!” He yelled as he started making his way downstairs.

 

“Yes he do! Now get him!” And there, in all his glory was Adam, sat on top of the refrigerator. 

 

“Adam?” 

 

“What?” Adam responded as if sitting on top of the fridge was a perfectly normal, white middle class thing to do.

 

“Why?” God, he understood fear but this was ridiculous, just another thing to deal with. 

 

“Just get the dog.”

 

“Fine,” He turned over to the dog,” Let's got to the room buddy.” He said as he started leading the dog back upstairs to his room.

 

Lance was scared of dogs too, it was hilarious. Keith found all sorts of animals beautiful and gentle from a snake to a bird he loved them all the same. He found a special connection with dogs though, it reminded him of the times with his dad and his first dog. They had gotten that beagle when it was a bit later in life, eight to be exact, but he was as lively as ever, but he was tied to good memories. To the early summer days when his dad would take them running, they were the best of times, it was the most peaceful of times.

 

He had always wanted to get another after Biscuit, but he couldn't force Lance to go through that trauma, so instead the got a cat.  _ Red _ . How could he have forgotten, he wonders how she is, he wondered if he could see her again, just a quick hello. She was his first cat, and she really made sure to make the best impression she could. If a cat could make first impressions, that is.

 

He missed her, but lately he was missing everyone and everything.

And right now he was missing and needing his bike.

 

Maybe he could sneak thought the back door? Oh god what was he some embarrassed teenager, he was a grown as man he didn't need to tell them everything, he would get his ass up and just go get his damn bike.

 

This was stupid.

 

The door was less than a minute away.

 

And he still managed to get bombarded the second Adam saw him heading towards the door, and ofcourse he had to call Shiro from upstairs to join in on this interrogation.

 

“Shiro just reschedule again we've got a runner?!” He hollered to ensure that Shiro had heard.

 

It really was ridiculous, how old did they think he was, I mean come on. Shiro even ended his phone call to join in, which by the way they had yet to reschedule the appointment the had canceled the day he came back, you can really tell the priorities that this household has.

 

“Why would you just leave without saying anything?” Shiro said from his right.

 

“You have to tell us, sneaking out won't do any good.” Adam quickly said from his left.

 

He had had enough,” I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm not your kid. I don't have to tell you anything. I'm grown enough to go anywhere I want, now please let me go wherever I need to.” He said as he quickly got up to leave, the guilt kept him grounded

 

He didn't need to look at them to know he had fucked up. It was one of the things that he did, he was an idiot, how in the hell could he have said that. Adam and Shiro had taken him in when they were nineteen, you know how hard it was for them to balance work, school, and taking care of a kid at the same time?

 

It was difficult, and it didn't help that he was a difficult kid, he didn't make it easy for them and now it's just going down on him. Especially Adam, he didn't have to put up with him, work the extra hours and all, he was Shiro's boyfriend he hadn't signed up to help raise some uncooperative seven year old, but he had stayed. It was a mess in all shapes and forms.

 

“Look,” He sighed out, he just needed them to understand, apparently it was way too much to ask,” I get it, I'm back and you don't trust me, and I get that too, but I need space. I have my life, and I can't have you just mothering me to death.” With that he quickly made his way out, he wanted to say more, but doesn't everyone? But just like always we never have enough time.

 

It was only going to get harder from now, he couldn't imagine what would happen if he had also told Adam of the condition. Could he even call it a condition, well he couldn't just go around calling it his inevitable death.

But he was jumping ahead of himself, slowly, one thing at a time, for now just focus on the bike.

 

The storage place wasn't far, but the closer he got to it, the more this whole situation felt more real. It was happening after four years of pushing it all the way to the back of his mind, after going so far to put it behind him. Now he's back, he's here, he has to face it, face him all over again.

 

The storage place was the same, actually it was older and even more rickety. But at least the bike was safe, honestly he was even surprised it turned on, he was ready to just wheel it through the street or call a pick up truck, but this was a nice surprise. Might as well take it on a test drive, if it was gonna leave him stranded he'd rather it be today and not tomorrow.

 

He had missed riding his bike, it gave him some serenity and soon enough he found himself back at his old spot, Inwood Park. It was pretty big and not many frequented this certain area, he used to come here all the time especially when he needed inspiration to do anything especially his art.

 

Now it still held that special feeling, but it felt more washed out, like it didn't belong to him. In a way it didn't, he wasn't that same person from four years ago and soon he wouldn't be who he is today. Hell just get worse and worse constantly changing and soon all that feeling will disappear along with him. He'd thought of it so often that he couldn't bring himself to care anymore, he just kept going.

 

His phone lit up, it was a sign of a call. Her number, came up but he wouldn't have known it was her if he didn't have her name a picture saved.

 

“Hello.”

 

“You're back huh?” Straight to the point as always, he could appreciate that in a time like this.

 

“Got back a week ago.”

 

“I know.”  _ Of Course she did.  _ Could you truly ever hide anything from Pidge?

 

A quick beat of silence and she took her act of,” Why didn't you say anything, why didn't you tell me? I've known you were in town but I wanted to see if you'd give me a call. Much to my disappointment you didn't.” She sounded hurt, reasonable or was it?

 

Both their family's had always been close, but he still never understood why she didn't go running to tell Lance. He was her friend first, they had gone through more than he had, he didn't understand why she cared.

 

“Why do you care so much?” Today was just full of letting things spill over, wasn't it.

 

“What?”

 

“Why aren't you on his side, he was first.” And he hopes she understands because that's all he thinks he'll be able to chuck out. The emotion is already flooding and reaching, he also doesn't understand why.

 

A sigh, “ You never were the brightest, you think I don't care about you. You think that just because me and him got along better I was gonna forget the shit he pulled you through? You were one one of my closest friends, a brother in a sense, I'm on your side and I don't regret it. Now stop being an idiot.” Pidge said, ever so blunt. But still one question remained.

 

“But, I thought you hated me?” It came out quiet, just a tick above a whisper. He honestly thought that ever since Adam and Shiro's party.

 

He would never deny her intelligence, why deny it when it was the pure truth, but it scared him. Especially that night, Kolivan had sent him a message around two weeks ago through a man named Ulaz that there was an opening in the special units. He would reserve that position if he wanted it, he had to think about it.

 

And Pidge just pulled him to the side, and she looked him dead in the eye and asked him,  _ “You're leaving aren't you? Don't lie I know, we all know you've wanted to for a while.”  _

 

He had, it was his dream to follow in his dad's steps. But he wasn't planning to just up and leave, he wanted to talk to his family first and Lance, he wouldn't just leave. Or would he? He didn't know anymore, but Pidge did and that scared him even more.

 

“God, I never hated you, sure I'd get irritated but i'd get like that with everyone. If anything I thought I was really close to you. In a weird way, like we were just tolerant of each other's weirdness.” She said, her disbelief clearly poking through.

 

He really was an idiot.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“No need, I know this is about my interference. Just another thing we need to talk about when we meet. Not kidding though we really do need to meet up while you're still here, you know while you have time.” _ Ha ha ha, so funny. _

 

“Too soon?” She asked after a few moments of silence.

 

“No, if anything I expected you to do something like that.” He responded, matter of factly,” Maybe next week, I still have other things to do.”

 

“Okay then, just don't forget to call.” And like that the call ended, he had forgotten how quiet it had been before. The silence always an invitation for the mind to wander were it'd like.

 

It was getting worse, he knew it,he felt it, and as if a sixth sense he was sure that Pidge felt it too. After all what didn't she know?

 

Maybe she already knew about him meeting up with Lance, maybe not. She would never let him hear the end of it, he truly believed it would take her longer to forgive Lance than it would for him.

 

Again the fear was settling. Settling and creeping its way back to infest his mind. His mind was doing flips and rounds back and forth trying to find a way out. There's no way out.

 

But what he said was true, he had something to do, and no matter what he was going through with it.

 

He would go through.

  
  
  
  
  



	14. Colour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally meet\reunite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, can't wait till summer when I can post without the pressure of academics pressing me down.

"Pidge told me.” She was furious, her mother could sense it despite her passive tone.

 

She was still in her practice clothes, she had gotten home only an hour before. When she got her Aunt's call was beyond Romelle. She wasn't allowed to answer phone calls unless they're from parents and if she had gotten the call within the hour she was here she would've of heard it. Regardless, she knew now, despite wanting to keep her in the dark longer, it was impossible now.

 

Sh had to keep it low, had to keep quiet, especially now. Everything was still so fragile and all she wanted was the best for the group, it had to start with Lance's and Keith's closure, with that everything would just mend easier and ultimately all that animosity would clear up

 

“Told you what?” You can't blame Romelle for playing dumb, her daughter all while not stupid was rash, and her husband, who loved Keith like family, would kill her if he found out about Lance being that Lance.

 

“I haven't seen Pidge in a bit, how is she?” Isma, so naive. 

 

“She's fine, she's also, apparently, the only one that thinks I'm old enough to know what's going on.” She wouldn't blame Iris for what she was saying, she should have told her sooner, it would've given her time to calm down, to not make a scene. She was too late now.

 

"Tell you what? Mija que pasó?"  _ Fuck. _ This was getting too close, don't think bad, she was gonna tell him, but not now, especially not like this.

 

"Let's go outside."

 

"What you don't want dad to-"

 

"Now!" That was all for both of them to make their way down stairs into the living room, Ismael knew better than to follow.

 

"How could dad not know?!," Iris exclaimed as soon as she sat on the sofa, making sure to put as much distance as she could from her mother," How could you lie to me? Making me believe that he was some good guy, making me call him uncle when he hurt my Tete like that."

 

"And what did you expect me to do? Huh, you wanted me to tell you the truth and then what? Don't lie to me, you'd go and pull the most drastic move you could. Lance Is not a bad person. I refuse to have you say that, he made a mistake just like any other person."

 

"Maybe you're right about that but it doesn't justify why you haven't told dad." She'll always admire that about her daughter, at least she knew when to admit that she was wrong. But now she was up against the wall, why hadn't she told Isma?

 

It wasn't that she thought he'd do something rash, he was gentle man even if he did get mad he wouldn't do anything extreme. But this was about Keith, as close as blood, and with what Isma had heard he didn't necessarily love Lance. She was scared of outside factors, external forces. They had to make up, he had to go out without any pains without any sorrows, and they were so close to it. They needed it.

 

"He can't know and I beg you please don't say anything until I do, there is a reason for why I've done the things I've done. Please?" Desperate.

 

"I'll do it on one term." At Least she wasn't stupid, she'd take advantage of whatever situation to get what she wanted.  _ That's my girl. _

 

"Don't keep me waiting, what is it?"

 

"From here on out you have to tell me the truth,anything that happens you have to tell me, I'm not a kid anymore and I already know what's going on. I don't want to have to hear from other people that my own mother is lying to my face." She was hurt it was easy to tell, what she didn't expect were the tears.

 

"How do you think I felt when my Tia called me and started asking me how I felt about the situation. How do you think I felt knowing that she was the only one I could trust, her, not you."

 

All she could do was hug her.

 

"I promise I won't keep anything from you baby, I promise."

 

And lie yet again.

 

She still had one more skeleton in here closet.

 

She hoped it was going better for him.

 

It wasn't.

 

He couldn't go home. 

 

The guilt was still eating at him, what he had said, clouding him at any given opportunity. He was running again, it was a cycle now, he was facing one problem just to create and escape from another. There was no excuse to what he said, he knew he had to apologize but he could t, not now, that's why he was in this motel.

 

They'd kill him if they knew that he was staying here. It was notoriously known,and when he still lived here the warnings about this place were endless, the outside was a small taste of how horrible the inside was. The walls seemed to be permanently stained with whatever substance; the wallpaper was inconsistent and peeling in every room; the carpet was worn and dirty in each square inch; and everything that could be wrong with it was. It was enough to make you question if even the air here was up to code.

 

He could have chosen another place,he had the money, he had the time,what he didn't have was a clear conscience to go ahead with it. It was delivered destructive,he knew that, but he was also a true idiot, he made them go through so much, so he deserved to be afraid in this unhealthy hotel, he deserved it.

 

It was toxic, but at this point every part of his being was; from his mentality all the way to the illness draining him of life. Toxic.

 

He was scared.

 

For the first time since he had known he was afraid of the future, of what was gonna happen. Of how long it'd take for him to fade away, of how he had no more time. It felt like graduation, June felt so far, beginning his senior year he never truly felt like it, the day of graduation it all hit. He was leaving, he was becoming an adult. He had to grow up.

 

It was different know, but it was still inevitable. He knew himself, maybe not as well as he should, but he knew that his last stop would be in a grave. He couldn't will himself to go through with chemo and much less surgery. It was either die; delay his death; or risk forgetting everything. Die it was.

 

Mortveli's was thirty minutes away. On his bike they seemed to pass by incredibly quick, with good reason. He was focused, he couldn't risk thinking especially not now. Letting his mind wander would only move up his death date.

 

He was a mess,his mind barely realized that as he caught himself on the windows reflection of a store down the road from the restaurant. He found a clothes store nearby and bought a change although his hair was a lost cause.

 

He had started nursing a headache from the ride and the wave of deja vu that hit him as he entered the restaurant did nothing to help.

 

_ He was gorgeous. _

 

_ There was the much else to say but that, gorgeous. _

 

_ He could see him from the entrance, hair slicked back in a casual way, the blue button up he was wearing did wonders not only to fit his form but to emphasize the blue in his eyes, he was just gorgeous. _

 

_ He on the other hand wasn't, is red button up was wrinkled on the left side his hair was in a messy braid, and everything about him seemed to make him less flattering than he already was, he was a pure mess. And God forbid Lance saw his unmatching socks, on his left a Hello Kitty sock, courtesy of Hunk, and on his right a Squidward printed sock, courtesy of himself. _

 

_ But nothing mattered,and he didn't care, because all that mattered was that he was here, he was here with the guy he'd been crushing on since middle school, finally. _

 

So much was the same,so much was so different.

 

He felt weightless again, he caught Lance's eyes from across the room and that was all as he made his way to the table. He didn't know what they were gonna talk about,he didn't know what he'd say but that didn't matter not right now all that mattered was making it to him, the rest was for the future to decide.

 

He never made it to the table, not because he ran away or anything but because he was engulfed in a hug before he could get there, it was different now. He wanted to cave in, just like old times, like before, before all of this happened he just wanted to cave, but it was different. He was a bit taller now, he couldn't lay his head on Lances shoulder anymore, he felt cold, the hug held heat but t was one sided, he wasn't in love with him anymore, he couldn't and lance wouldn't either, he was going to die soon, he couldn't lead them on. 

 

But at the same time it was the same. Lance still pulled him in clothes, fingers tapping at his back, Lance shifted his weight from side to side, making them both move like a metronome, Lance still made him feel like it was okay, it couldn't be that way, not anymore.

 

“Lance?”

 

“Yeah?” It was muffled and small a clear indication of not wanting to let go, of wanting to stay in the moment, but they had a lot to talk about and time was a reliable factor.

 

“Lets sit, I'm sure we both have things we want to say.” Keith let him go first, he contemplated sitting next to him but the more he thought of it the less bravery he seemed to have so he opted to sit across from him.

 

“Well ask away, i don't really need many answers but im sure youd like some.” Keith said after a moment of silence, he noted that Lance avoided meeting his eyes.

“Well this might sound weird but do you know anyone named Romelle?” lance said, almost shakily, nervous.

 

“I do, through her husband Ismael, he was in my squadron.” Keith replied.

 

Lance quickly lost colour, the more he let the words settle the more questions that came to mind. Of Course he didn't want keith to worry, it was his life, he had to deal with it but everything always ended up coming back to Keith. He knew he was gonna boil over, everything that came with that sentence was flowing in and crashing him in, so he asked.

 

“Lance are you okay? You're looking kinda pale.”

 

“Just answer, where you at their wedding?” He gripping the table now, it seemed like all he was doing at this point was damage control.

 

"I was." It all seemed to dawn on him then, everything made sense, God, he was so dead.

 

"Now, I thought I would have any questions, but I do, what the hell was that all about?" Keith asked as confusion completely clouded his features.

 

"Well, I know Romelle and her family as well, she knows about what happened between us. She was there when I couldn't get out of a real dark time. They thought I was crazy, Hunk told me to let it. Go when I told him I had seen you, but there you where." He said still out of it.

 

"Oh I think I remember seeing you as I was going out."

 

"You said you didn't remember me." He sounded so hurt, and he didn't know what to say, what could he say? 

 

_ "Hey Lance, you know that guilt that's been swallowing you whole for the past years? The one that made you enter those dark times? Well it's about to get worse, cause I've got a cancerous tumor that makes me forget people and places and I refused chemo, and I'm scheduled to die soon. How you feel about that? Another way? Oh yeah go into surgery and also die, oh you don't know what to say and depression and death, lovely." _

 

You see the problem right.

 

"I'm sorry I just wasn't ready, I wasn't even going to go but my mom kind of forced me into it." That would do for now.

 

"I get it, that's why I hesitated so much to call, I didn't matter anymore it was all you, it should've been all you. I'm sorry." 

 

"You should stop saying it, I already know and I'm sure you do too."

 

"Yeah, sorry. Shit."

 

A laugh. _ His laugh.  _ And both of them look at each other in shock before they explode. And it's all laughter from their booth and stares from the rest. They hadn't even ordered their food, but none of it mattered because at least now it felt okay, like nothing would happen after, but nothing ever is that easy.

 

He didn't bring up Allura and Lance didn't bring up the scar he spotted from his neck to his cheek. The both skipped around subjects just trying to make the best out of it.

 

Red was such a beautiful colour, it held so much warmth and passion that the fact that any colour had it was beyond him. Sadly not a lot of things out in the world were red, maybe some flowers and fruits but how rare they are. Any flash of red catches the eye. That's why he caught it. When he coughed, it was just that but he saw it, on the sleeve on his sweater, red. Many things were red, his favorite hoodie, punch, blood.

 

On his sleeve now was his blood, the cancer wasn't supposed to spread, and he wasn't supposed to panic, so he didn't. He took his jacket off and set it aside, because if he was to go down like this it'd be another day, because for now, they were okay, they'd be okay.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading as always I suck at grammar so if you see any mistakes tell me and I will fix them. I appreciate constructive criticism, just don't be nasty. Any suggestions are appreciated love you all.
> 
> I'll be posting from evrey week to every other week, if I am to fall behind I will announce it.


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